Saturday, June 29, 2002 :::
 
A quote from an IM conversation I'm having right now. No, I will not provide context.

"I didn't know housewives were known for their pristine anuses."

::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:04 PM


 
Welcome Greg! It's our custom to haze fresh inductees to the site. However, since you live out of state, we're sending you our handy-dandy brutally haze yourself kit. It comes with all the tools and instructions you need to commit brutal, grotesque, and unspeakably obscene acts of physical and psychological torture and humiliating sexual perversion on yourself, just like the acts we all went through to get in here! You'll get:

A wall-mountable dildo with sandpaper and/or itching powder tip

Ten gallons of alchohol , a gas funnel, and a body-mounted testicle taser/depth gague, to make SURE you drink every drop

Mechanical bullwhip/paddling machine

If you're not already, a self-circumcision machete, extra-rusty

Bed of thousand-degree coals (careful unwrapping)

A "personal cheese grater"

Bucket-o-leeches

Nutcracker (not intended for food use)

A light-proof, self-locking coffin, set to slowly rise just up to unbearably hot before allowing you to exit

An embarrassing sexual confessions notebook

"Your relative is burning in hell" t-shirt, and a map to all local locations where funerals for AIDS victims with strong, short-tempered relatives are being held.

Please let us know if anything is missing from your kit, or if anything is broken or damaged. Just follow the simple directions*, and you'll be on your way to becoming a member of this blog! Good luck to you.

*note: directions are text only, as the pictoral representations violated national and international decency and animal abuse laws.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 6:42 PM



Friday, June 28, 2002 :::
 
RECOVERED HISTORY The 'under God' phrase was inserted in the Pledge of Allegiance because of a McCarthy-era campaign by a right-wing Catholic group, the Knights of Columbus. The KOC is now deeply involved in anti-abortion campaigning by the Catholic Church and was an important supporter of the notorious Legion of Decency, which censored American films and was the source of the phrase "banned in Boston." So not only are the words "under God" clearly religious, they have their origins in the theocratic maneuverings of one particular religion. Ironically, until recently the Catholic Church did not consider Christian fundamentalists covered by the very phrase they today so loudly champion. The theology of salvation by faith alone was anathematized by Rome.

Link to the source here.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:53 PM



Thursday, June 27, 2002 :::
 
Oh my god. Read this. This is one of the scariest things I've read in the last few weeks. To summarize it, the senate, the ENTIRE senate, said that there is NO seperation between church and God. And they said that they'd refuse to promote anyone who said otherwise. You heard me.

Man, this is scary.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 7:15 PM


 
Yes, Matt, Tomato. She is the small piece of medical mechanicha that lets me connect to the wired.
Don't ask.
I also haven't seen her in weeks, and I miss the poor girl.
I will be getting back on July 3, give or take. And believe me I WILL get back as planned. See, unfortunately, the people here (Mom and stepdad) are actually trying to get me to stay longer. As if three weeks sitting in a small room reading, sleeping and eating things that taste like overcooked styrofoam whilst trying as hard as you can to avoid some painfully awkward domestic scene was somehow not enough. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

-Carter, please make it stop...

::: posted by Carter at 7:09 AM



Tuesday, June 25, 2002 :::
 
I can now supply the context to the now infamous "I hunger for assmeats" quote.

Devi is in her appartment. She hears the phone ring. "Sweet angry Jesus, its.....THE PHONE!!" she exclaims. She picks it up and answers "Wet Jimmy's gourmet assmeats! Do this be take out or delivery?" The person on the other end is her friend, Tenna. She lives in the apartment below, and was wondering why Devi was screaming "Fuck! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!" At 3 am. in the morning. (She was aggrivated at a painting she couldn't get right, which later turned into a monster which tried to suck out her soul and make her kill herself.) Her friend came down up to visit Devi. When she came in the door, she said "I hunger for ASSMEATS, BITCH!!"

And there you have it.

Now here's come quotes without context:

(in anger) "Yeah, it's too bad I didn't bring a strap-on, so I could fuck you in your empty eye socket!!"

"Good revenge, Tenna. A bee suit."

Bye all!

-Matt, I'm trying to eat, would you please stop POOPING!!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 4:24 PM



Monday, June 24, 2002 :::
 
"Tomato??"

So, when are you getting back from the land of irratic sleep, where the sun is always coming but never leaving?

That's a good Weird Al song, Nick. What would you say is your favorite? Mine'd have to be, oooh, I'd say Dare to be Stupid.

-Matt, stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:07 PM


 
You know, Molly, Tomato says that same thing about "present day, present time" whenever she boots up. I find it amusing to no end.

Someone's mobile phone just rang behind me. Only it didn't ring so much as it played "Uptown Girl". This also amuses me.

I really like Lain's father. Although yes, they're all disturbing but it's not as if they're alone. It's a strange universe in general. And you know what would happen if you stuck Lain and Rei Ayanami in a room together? Nothing. Nothing would happen. For hours on end. Just the thought of it freaks me out.

Anyway, I (re)invited peoples. But not Eric, since he seems to have joined. I don't quite know what to make of this. Umm...Eric? You there? *shrugs*

Since you ask, I am seven hours ahead of you folk. However my sleep schedule at the moment has become so massively fucked up that it really doesn't matter anymore. For example, I have witnessed the sun rising every day for the past week, but I have not been awake to see it set ONCE. And I do this in weird increments, also. Two days ago I fell asleep for about three hours in the morning, another five hours in the evening, and then was up for about six hours before falling asleep again. Then yesterday I just slept for twelve hours straight, for no good reason. Had a REALLY weird dream too. I seem to be trying to learn how to hibernate out of sheer boredom. Although it could also be because I haven't been eating a lot, but that's really just a side effect of all the food being terrible. *sigh*
So yeah. Plus seven hours, but about 50/50 I'll be awake at any given moment regardless.
Why, anyway?

-Carter, so very bored...


::: posted by Carter at 8:26 AM



Saturday, June 22, 2002 :::
 
I spent much of the day looking for a good GIR icon for IM. I didn't see one that exactly suited my fancy, so I manufactured my own from a picture off a hot topic lunch box and a little contrast and image size adjustment in adobe photoshop. It looks qiute nice. Check it out next time I'm on. I'm FnOrDy ErIsTiAn, if you didn't know.

Hey Molly and Christy, here's those aliens from the squee comic I told you about. This is from a year or two before Zim. This has to be one of Jhonen's most amazing drawings. I get spamic convulsions of jealousy and orgasmic cartoonist awe when I look at his really good shadow work. It's a potent combination of "That bastard! He draws so well! I'll never be able to do that! NEVER!! *sob*" and "Good god in a nightgown that's good. Oh, wow. I need to change my underwear, that drawing is so good. Man. No human should be able to draw that good. Jesus. Wow. Man. Woo."

I can't wait for my comics to get here.

-Matt, I'll just sort of collapse like a bug under a shoe with the weight of my anticipation...

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:16 PM


 
We Can REMEMBER It For You Wholesale. Very close. That, of course, eventually became Total Recall. The guy you're thinking of is Phillip K. Dick, who also wrote Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep? which eventually became Blade Runner. Cool guy. After a successful Sci-Fi career he went on to become rather insane, marked by varying degrees of separation from reality, overwhelming visual hallucinations and the occasional suicidal impulse. During this period he wrote three increasingly bizarre pseudo-spiritual novels that are actually quite good.
He's dead now.

Anywho, the teddy bear costume is Lain's pajamas. It's designed to make her look childish, although no matter what she always looks pretty much the same. And have you ever really TRIED Lain-level stoicism in a teddy bear costume, Molly? It's probably easier than you might think.
Not that I would...know...or anything...

-Carter, the poor girl lives in a world where the shadows bleed...

::: posted by Carter at 7:59 AM



Friday, June 21, 2002 :::
 
Hello everyone, I've just come in for a second to give a few messages.

First, for anyone reading my personal blog, remember that new entries within a day are listed DOWN, not stacked up, as in Molly's blog, for instance.

Christy, at the bottom of the comments window you'll see a thing that says "powered by Yaccs", with the "yaccs" as a link. Go there, and you can set yourself up with comments. Their setup is very very simple for blogger users. It literally does everything for you.

Molly, I'm here all Sunday and Saturday afternoon. If you could come over, I'd really like it. You haven't seen my room since it's been redecorated, and it won't exist much longer. Alot of stuff will come with me to college. Plus, I can cook better here. I like to cook for friends. I cannot, however, offer a ride frok my end. My mom has gardening to do.

Toodles everyone! Oh, and Hi Jason!

-Matt, the face of your skin will line my pockets!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:24 PM



Thursday, June 20, 2002 :::
 
I'm back, everyone, a day early, I'm afraid. Abe's visit was cut short because his grandmother died and he had to take a bus to the funeral right away. Quite sad, he was very close to her. We did have a good trip while it lasted, though. Hey, Carter, were they Kate-sized lubricated sparrows? Oh, and on the theme of female self-gratification, a quote from Molly on the phone last night "I'm doing strange things with sharpies. Woop, now I got some sharpie on my hands."

I'll let her provide the context, if she wishes.

-Matt, my suspenders have little hands on them...



::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:48 AM



Tuesday, June 18, 2002 :::
 
Too much RAM? That shouldn't be an issue. Well, unless you like...can't physically mount it onto the board. But I bet you knew that. What might give you problems if you're working with older parts (MBoard here, not the RAM itself) and by old I mean waaaaaay back at the dawn of time oh...five years ago or so, is if you try using mismatched RAM. Older systems sometimes don't like it if you don't put RAM sticks in in matching pairs. Strange but true, although it likely won't come up. Aside frrom that you shouldn't have a problem with "too much RAM". And in my experience the best way to figure out how big a ram stick is is just to put it in by itself and let the BIOS POST tell you the total RAM present.

So I finally got my bags, only took four days and bribing three airport officials. We're in a new apartment now, which actually seems to be a long string of practical jokes. Doorbells here are very strange. Not so much a "ding-dong" kind of a noise like I'd expect from a house, but not the "GZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZNT" kind of buzzing I'd expect from an apartment either. Think of it this way, you know how inside any properly made hula-hoop there's a little bit of grit, just to make the experience more enjoyable, as it were? Well, imagine if some deranged individual decided to make a sadistic and oversized hula-hoop that instead of a bit of sand or whatever it is contained a small, highly lubricated sparrow (African or European, your choice). Now try to imagine the sound that this particular hula-hoop would make when used. THAT'S what my doorbell sounds like. Also, while we have two bathrooms there are no working toilets, and while we have air conditioning it comes with only two settings, "on" and "off". Also while there is a very nice color television it only gets three channels. Two of them seem to be nothing but test patterns and the third seems to be some network that does nothing but read the koran very loudly 24 hours a day accompanied by a picture of some building I can't recognize. The whole thing is like an experiment in irony. Like, there's a very nice movie theatre in Cairo. THX certified and all that. But it only plays one movie, and it's the Scorpion King. Not that I'm bitter or anything...
Fortunately, I'm not running out of books any time soon. *sigh*

-Carter, you need only to ask a tech question and I will maaaaaaaaaaaaaagically appear...

::: posted by Carter at 11:16 AM



Saturday, June 15, 2002 :::
 
Yeeees, it is. I think that may actually top my toilet cleaning experience that day for the most disgusting thing I had to deal with. Well, maybe not. That was pretty bad.

Anyhoo, Abe's here and we're off, well sometime this morning. Whenever the fancy strikes us, basically. Sorry I wasn't able to talk to you Maria, I waited all day, but I was kind of occupied in the evening. Well, after my little vacation we'll chat.

Also, before I go, may I direct all of your atention to my blog's new feature, "today's wether in hell."

Bi-eee!

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:28 AM



Friday, June 14, 2002 :::
 
Sometimes in the mornings I watch CBN for the sheer comedic value of it. But sometimes, they cross way over the line from funny to offensive. Yesterday they had a report that took a running leap across the line. It was about some Baptist minister's comments to his congregation. He was going on and on about how Islam isn't a real religion, and how it encourages violence, and how it worships Mohammed, and not god.(which is bullshit.) The quote they gave was "Christianity would never tell people to go and kill thousands of innocent people. Islam is a violent, evil religion." The part that really made me sick is that the baptist church apparently supported the minister's comments. Then at the end of the report the anchor, who's actually Pat Robertson's son, dismissively said that "Muslim groups were outraged at the Minister's comments." Right, like no one else finds that offensive. Certainly not any of those good, non-violent christian people, right? *growls* You know, fact is, I know ALOT of christian people, and NONE of them would even mildly approve of those remarks. In fact,they'd find them abhorrently offensive. Christians everywhere should be pissed off as hell at CBN for making it sound as if no christian person would have a problem with this hate-garbage. I ain't no big supporter of christianity, but hell, it sounds like they're being slandered to me.

Anyway, before I go, I thought I'd leave you all with some stuff to make you laugh. As you know, I've been getting really into the work of Jhonen Vasquez lately. On top of being one of the world's best comics artists, he's also one of the greatest quote-producing people in the world. Here's a couple of pages with lines you'll probably start using on a regular basis:

here
here
here
here
and here.

Just <--(it took me three attempts to type that word. I am an idiot.) think, this guy has a kid's show now. Think of it. He has acess to millions of children's minds. Is this a firghtening disaster or a promising sign for our future? you decide.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 1:34 PM



Thursday, June 13, 2002 :::
 
Nope, I'll be in Bar Harbor monday. and I suspect the time when we're "back", we'll actually be out doing stuff someplace else. My house isn't a very interesting place to be, after all.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 7:46 AM



Wednesday, June 12, 2002 :::
 
And remember everyone, if you desperately need to contact me, the fourteenth is the last day you'll have for a week.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 4:24 PM


 
They tell me my bags will be arriving tomorrow. I'm not sure I believe that, as they tell me a lot of things but I still have hope.
I think the bags fell behind in JFK, as I just BARELY made it from one flight to the next, and I have legs.

Also, while it's true that in MOST cases you simply replace the entire component once one of the chips goes there are times when it is not economically sound, or, you know, possible to get a replacement. So there are specialized cases when you need to solder a replacement chip into a component. I've done it before, it's a real pain in the ass and it can be pretty hit or miss at times but it's not impossible. Well, ok, it's not impossible provided you have one of those funny light-up magnifying devices and a good soldering stand. And it sounds to me like Jason ought to be able to build ONE working machine out of three busted ones, provided they're at least marginaly compatible. Which, of course, they may not be. Of course that beeping and freezing issue might not ven be a hardware problem, so...

-Carter, good luck at any rate

::: posted by Carter at 3:56 PM


 
Wow man, you have the weirdest life. Is your luggage lost temporarily, or is it gone forever, like in that old SNL skit "the island of lost luggage?"

Actually Christy, the inner workings of computers are mostly plug-the-component-into-the-socket types of things. In the eighties you wold have had to occasionally deal with saudering a transistor or something to a chip, or filling in a circut pathway, but nowdays you'd have to know molecular physics and have a ten thousand power microscope to work on a chip. If a chip's busted, you just buy a new one and plug it in. Mostly Jason will have problems with getting all his parts a:) to work, because they seem like they're less than new, and b:), to work together, because they're from different computers.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:43 PM


 
Oh yes they do. Specifically, they all run on a very special kind of magical smoke. This is why, when building, upgrading, or repairing one, you must always be incredibly careful not to let the magic smoke escape.

I'm trying to avoid doing anything even remotely touristy. I saw EVERYTHING the last time I was here and quite frankly I didn't have much fun then either. This time I'm just going to stay near the AC and read thank you very much.

I'm also not quite so disconnected as I had planned to be.

...as you might have noticed.

There's a cyber cafe "nearby" the flat I'm staying in so every so often I will be able to communicate with the outside world.
In other news it is too damn hot here, but at least it's still dry. The airport in Moscow was far more interesting than I thought it would be, but they lost all my luggage so it kind of balances out.

Hope you're all having as much fun as I am. But only because I don't like you.

-Carter, thank god I brought books in my carry-on bag

::: posted by Carter at 2:42 PM



Tuesday, June 11, 2002 :::
 
Man, seems like everyone's popping off on some kind of vacation lately. I'll be leaving with Abe to Bar Harbor on Friday for a week. After that, though, I don't have to be anywhere for the summer.

-Matt, I combine with Count Chocula and Capn' Crunch to form a mega-zord of tooth decay!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:58 AM



Monday, June 10, 2002 :::
 
I was in Mesa Verde the other day waiting for my enchilladas. Some dude walks in with his wife. He's dressed like a truck driver, she's a big fat slob, and I'm being kind. The guy picks up the menu, starts to look at it, and as he looks through it, this look builds on his face, the kind of look you'd get if the resteraunt was serving raw baby sushi or something. He sits there for a minute, turning irritatedly through the entries, and mumbling things like "Jesus Christ, TOFU?!" and "What the f-?...Zucchini?" At one point he leans over to ask his wife if guacamole has any vegetables in it. She says yes, she thinks it does. His look turns to one of a man who's just taken a hit of nasal spray made from the distilled scent of decomposing corpses and fresh feces, while eating a lemon at the same time. He sits there looking at the menu some more, and then finally, he sits up, and says in complete outrage "Everything in this menu has vegetables in it!! LOOK!!!!" His wife looks at it with a combination of disappointment and desperate hunger. Then they both storm out of the resteraunt.

Man, some people will never know just how goddamned funny they are.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 4:03 PM


 
"I crave assmeats, bitch!" - Jhonen

Matt, some kind of olfactory ninja

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:49 PM


 
And for my next trick I will...leave the country for three weeks.

Let's see if anyone notices...

-Carter, I sense your envy of my neck and I do not blame you! I have powers pinto beans can only dream of!!

::: posted by Carter at 11:45 AM



Sunday, June 09, 2002 :::
 
Yay! Someone else knows Lenore!

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:54 PM



Saturday, June 08, 2002 :::
 
"I'm going to make a sandwich. God help the neighbors if they don't have cheese."

-From Jhonny the Homicidal Maniac

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:11 PM


 
"I don't wanna get naked with the bears! And stop trying to stick that in me!"

-Matt, you think that sounded bad out-of-context to you, imagine how it sounded to to people in the hospital waiting room.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:10 PM



Thursday, June 06, 2002 :::
 
"My squirrel has a flat!"

-Matt, man, is this story weird.


::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:43 PM



Monday, June 03, 2002 :::
 
Ahh, I wouldn't worry about it Jason. She seemed to used to hate my guts too, but this year she suddenly seemed nice to me all of a sudden. I guess she just does that. If it helps, I had exactly the same experience with Ruth too, and she told me she never actually hated me, so maybe Jessie's the same way. I never had the chance to ask.

And then there's Tris, who shifted between vehemently reviling me as a senseless moron to thinking I was a really intelligent, wonderful guy at least four times in the time I've known him. And Shayna, who walked up to me and proclaimed that she hated my guts. So take heart, there's weirder and more inexplicable disdain out there in that crazy, you-disliking world.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 4:20 PM



Sunday, June 02, 2002 :::
 
Oh, and YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY, Molly back!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:20 PM


 
And thank you from me again for taking me to Brigadoon. That was really excellent.

Yaaaayyy! Thank you Molly! I love people who bring you gifts when they go on a trip.

-Matt, the bawdy boddhisatfa of booty.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:19 PM



Saturday, June 01, 2002 :::
 
Thank ye much, Carter. I did try dancing around the tower with two fried chicken legs, but I got hungry and ate them before the creemony was over. *Is ashamed*

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 7:54 AM


 
Win98 on a 50 meg drive? That WOULD be an accomplishment...
Matt, the good news is, it's most likely not going to get any worse. The bad news is, it's really not going to get any better. Really these things just kind of happen in older versions of windows, and you're probably not too keen to upgrade. My best advise, unfortunately, is to just try and live with it for now. You could try waving chickens in front of the monitor or something if you like, but it will do limited amounts of good.

Oh, and Maria, upon more careful examination I have found the problem with your blog. Catch me on IM if you haven't worked it out by now.

-Carter, rather tired

::: posted by Carter at 2:53 AM

ARCHIVES :::

Ben, Nick, Molly, Matt, Carter, Maria, Christy, Jason, Greg, Eric, and UNCLE JEFF!! We are truly honored to have someone among us who is over 20 and claims to have some sort of responsibility. It won't last long.