Monday, January 28, 2002 :::
 
Molly:Yer' welcome. Wow, Ben, I don't think it's a good sign that your blog about the IRS was the most cheer-filled and light-hearted blog you've written in sometime. Lately your blog has looked more and more like a biography of Cinderella. May I offer my condolences to you for having two feces-expelling orfices for parents,and join with mother earth in cursing the day upon which she was blighted with such creatures.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:46 PM



Friday, January 25, 2002 :::
 
Uh, see, I had to put my cat to sleep this morning. It has nothing to do with the size of penises in general, or mine specifically. Incidentally,the book you read is Drew Carry's book "Dirty Jokes and Beer." Here are a few of my favorites:

"My dick is so big that it has it's own dick, and my dick's dick is bigger than your dick."

"My dick is so big it's right behind you."

"My dick is so big it's in the other room right now fixing us drinks."

-Matt, who is really quite a bit more sad than the content of this blog let's on.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:34 PM



Wednesday, January 23, 2002 :::
 
No, erect, not flaccid! ERECT, I tell you!!! Incidentally, a blue whale penis is four feet long.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:41 PM



Monday, January 21, 2002 :::
 
Dear lord, the boy's head is crammed so full of smartness that he can't even recall the utterings of his own genius! Perhapsss...THIS will refresh your memory? *Holds out a bannanna peel with a shopping list scrawled onto it...In BEN'S handwriting!*

-Astro-boy battles the Garkon armies with his trusty atomic de-scrambulator beam ray gun!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:09 PM



Sunday, January 20, 2002 :::
 
Wow, you actually got through that whole blog. That was certainly one sizable chunk of babble. I dunno, it still doesn't sound quite right. Ben, do you remember?

Woof. Driving is exhausting. I was just out for two hours. I executed two perfect parallel parks. (inexplicably turns into a rapper)Oh yeah, hoo da man of off-set backin? Huh? Dat's right! I da man of offset backin! Well, I'll catch you in a chill flippy mode squab ma bruthuz! Continue the practice of keeping "it" in a real state. Peace, I'm off to go pop some niggaz, then maybe I'll go ride in my bouncy car with several hos while throwing fistfulls of hundred dollar bills onto the streets.
-WZQ <-- (My rapper name, consisting completely of meaningless letters strung together.)

::: posted by Comic Tools at 4:32 PM



Thursday, January 17, 2002 :::
 
I can't find a Griswold anywhere in the Hebron face book, so if he is stalking me, he's skipping school to do it. By the way, please, even if it isn't true, tell me that the account of those people on the bus was fictional, just so I can sleep soundly at night again.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:53 PM


 
I too enjoy pasta with green sauce, either the pesto type or the kind made from green zebra-tomatoes. Who is this Ted Griswod of whom you speak? I'm afraid I don't know the dude. Does he go here?

-Matt


::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:41 AM



Tuesday, January 15, 2002 :::
 
Idea for a food item in a U.F.O. themed resteraunt: Alien shaped fortune cookies. When you "autopsy" them, you get little organ-shaped fortunes inside!

-Matt, why are you all moving away?

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:50 PM



Sunday, January 13, 2002 :::
 
( One possible future...) Matt has an idea. Arrives at Ben's shortly thereafter with cheaddar cheese glued to lips. Resulting carnage as a result of Ben's hunger instincts overriding his libido ends in over three thousand facial stitches for both parties.

Ben, your parents seem to be suffering from what I now refer to as "Mr. Gunn's disease." It is a malady that affects many adults, especially as they grow older. It results in symptoms like those you describe; a general mistrust of all young people, specifically, the perception that all teenagers are delinquent, sex-crazed drug addicts who can't be trusted to gather in a group of two or more without forming a gang, adopting strange hairstyles, and proceeding to generally obliterate the neighborhood. The disease leaves a tiny bald spot as it burrows in. ( In Mr. Gunn's case, that must have been one big damn disease.)There's no cure, I'm afraid, as the disease actually affects the portion of the brain responsible for stubborness. When the reasonability or logic of the symptoms the disease causes is called into question, the disease stimulates the stubborness center of the brain, relaesing gibberish phrases such as "Because I said so" and "Go to your room." I personally have taken the precaution of carrying around with me a blue pill, tiny, and painless. The moment I begin to exibit signs of the disease, I'll throw the pill away and toss myself belly-first onto a running table saw.

-Matt the assless

::: posted by Comic Tools at 4:50 PM



Friday, January 11, 2002 :::
 
No problem Nick, but HOW ON EARTH did your opponent lose that debate?!! Did he have an operation as a child to have his BRAINS replaced with fine christmass ham? Oh well, it worked out pretty good for you, anyway. Congratulations on a baffling job well done.

Ben, is "werd" a misspelled "weird", or is it "werd" as in "Yo, werd up, holmes, I am just sittin here chillin and keepin it real, yo"?

I apologize for the lag. I haven't had much time to maintain my blogs or read anybody else's this week until yesterday. Speaking of which, Ben, your parody of porn site headlines caused me to laugh my ass off. It rolled across the floor and fell down a heating vent. I can hear it scurrying through the walls at night, eating the odd mouse or ladybug. I am attempting to capture it with traps baited with such butt goodies as silk underpants and preperation "H". No hits so far. In the meantime, I am being careful to walk with my back to walls and never walk away from people, despite the constant severe head injuries I incur from not being able to look where I am going. Well, it's getting a little painful sitting here typing with my bare pelvic bone on the chair, so I'll be going.

-Matt

P.S. to Molly- ( In peanuts style) Poor sweet baby. *smooch on head*

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:35 PM



Thursday, January 03, 2002 :::
 
Hello there, or should I say Duhhhhhhhhhh... *drools over self*

See, I just scored a 76 on The Spark's IQ test. And I really was trying very hard. So I guess I'm a moron. Well, talk to ya later, I have to go stare blankly into space for awhile before I call hooked on phonics for my money-back garauntee and, um, OH NO!!! I forgot! I'm not wearing my safety helmet! My keeper said when I'm not safely strapped into bed I should be wearing it!! I have to go...

-Matt ( proceeds to hit self with own hand, then bites own hand in retaliation, then punches self in retaliation for biting, knocking self out cold.)

::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:25 PM

ARCHIVES :::

Ben, Nick, Molly, Matt, Carter, Maria, Christy, Jason, Greg, Eric, and UNCLE JEFF!! We are truly honored to have someone among us who is over 20 and claims to have some sort of responsibility. It won't last long.