Thursday, February 28, 2002 :::
 
Congratulations on passing the road test. On a related note, I've recently developed a phobia of being run down by a curly haired man who has lost control of his vehicle. *Smites Ben with his new Ronco "Smite-o-Matic", with special nozzle attachment to turn ordinary drinking water into gallons of vile, terrifyingly realistic blood.*

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:04 PM


 
S'fine with me.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:52 AM



Tuesday, February 26, 2002 :::
 
For your consideration: A short explanation to Carter's draft officer about how cutting his hair could obliterate the human race and the entire world as we know it.

Carter is sitting in the barber's chair. With an experienced mechanical swipe of the scissors, carter's hair falls to the earth.

Scenario one: The sheer mass of Carter's copious locks hitting the earth generates powerful sizemic waves, sending devestating earthquakes and tsunamis out in every direction, leveling every major continent within minutes.

Scenario two: The sudden shift in the position of such a large mass violently throws the earth's rotation off it's axis, hurling everything not bolted down into the icy blackness of space.

Scenario three: Carter's hair lands on barber's foot, and he get's really mad, and, uh, kills everyone. Yeah.

As you can see, it is not worth the risk involved to induct this man into the armed services. Just let him go. Or if saving the planet isn't enough reason for you not to take him, I also hear he fancies Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:51 PM


 
Why don't you just have that little sucking pink guy you seem to love so much blow you, Nick? I can play the armpits. ( Toot! Toot! Toot!)


::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:37 PM


 
Oh, incidentally, I like Moulin Rouge too.

::: posted by Carter at 1:05 AM


 
Well, Ben, if you think it's surreal for YOU that I'm 18...
I think I'm still in denial.

Thanks, everyone. It's nice to see people supporting my decision to turn 18.
I got the most interesting mail today. My retreat confirmation, something from the navy, a Borders gift card from this cousin I keep forgetting about, and a new razor from the gillete corporation. It's actually rather nice.
Also saw a fantastic movie today. It was called "Metropolis". No, the other "Metropolis". It was good. Dark and disturbing, but in that good way.

I have to register for the draft now, how weird is that?

Of course, I can vote, too. And that's undeniably cool.

This requires further thought. Carter out.

::: posted by Carter at 12:27 AM



Monday, February 25, 2002 :::
 
Hey, whatever happened to that "impending Ben commentary" on Moulin Rouge?

::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:06 PM


 
HAAAAPY BIRTHHHH-DAYYYY TOOOOOO YOOOOOOOOO,
HAAAAPY BIRTHHHH-DAYYYY TOOOOOO YOOOOOOOOO,
YOU LOOOOK LIKE SOME FREAKISSHHH HOBBIT-ELF Hiiiii-BRiiiiiiiiD,
HAAAAPY BIRTHHHH-DAYYYY TOOOOOO YOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
( Ya pervy elf an' Hobbit shaggin' closet orc fancier, you!)

I'm kinda surprised. I thought you were well over eighteen when I met you, actually. Oh well. You'll love being an eighteen year old man. You get hair in new places, and you have to start shaving, and your boobs finally start to devlop, and you get to buy your very first bra, and blood will start leaking from between your legs, and...hey, why are you all looking at me like that? Isn't that what all boys go through when they become men? No, huh? Well, I'd better go see my doctor now. Bye.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:02 PM


 
Ahh, but...you see...Legolas is an ELF. Of course, we all know, being an elf-fancier is nothing to be ashamed of. Seems like most people are, these days.
Actually, since Sloane recently decided I was half-elf and half-hobbit, I suppose I have a right to fancy both.

*cough*

ANYway...I got e-mail from Chris Jorgenson, so evidently I did manage to get my registration in on time and I will be at the retreat. Happy happy.
In other news, it's past midnight now, which makes it my birthday. I'm 18, which frightens me more than I could ever tell you.
Good god...
Well, I've got homework, later all.

-Carter

::: posted by Carter at 2:02 AM



Friday, February 22, 2002 :::
 
You're all a bunch of pervy nancing hobbit-fanciers!!!! The lot of you!

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:21 PM



Thursday, February 21, 2002 :::
 
Oh, so that's where the battery went. After the gas-powered vibrator exploded, it was anyone's guess where all the parts went. (Um, wait a minute. Did I just make a joke about a battery,using a gas-powered machine as the base of the joke? I guess I'm not thinking very clearly.) I'm just glad no one lost an eye. So anyway, welcome to the blog, carter!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:30 PM


 
*spasms and coughs up a few feathers and a D cell battery as he struggles to unglue his feet from his ears*

...cows...

...so many cows...

::: posted by Carter at 12:53 PM



Wednesday, February 20, 2002 :::
 
* Breathing heavily, exhausted, coated inches thick in "Jiff" peanut butter and blood.* Well, we finally got Carter good and hazed. It wasn't easy, and lord knows no cow on that field will ever give milk again, or moo in anything but an Austrian accent, but we did it. May God forgive us for what we have done today. This was the greatest day of my life.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:57 PM



Tuesday, February 19, 2002 :::
 
Hmm. Well perhaps she'll reverse her position on the Portland trip as well. Please make sure that she's clear on the following facts:

1- My mother is driving, not me. My mom is a good driver. She drives for a living. She's a better driver than your mom. ( Don't tell her that last bit.)

2- Assure her that my mother's car is fully equipped with a functoning fuel gage.

3- We will take you directly from Portland to Hebron, at whatever time you need to be there. Our schedule will conform to yours, not the other way around.

4-inform her thst she might feel better generally about life if she removed the giant sequoia from her ass. ( Don't really tell her that. Or if you do, don't give my name.)

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:00 PM



Sunday, February 17, 2002 :::
 
Well, I'm glad you didn't have quite as bad a time as you thought you would yesterday, or, at least, that you seem to be in a better post crappy-time mood than I figured you'd be in.

Hmm, you in a tight dress... it sets up an uncomfortable, awkward, very out-of-place mental picture, like me in a full tux, or like one of those "what's wrong with this picture?" kid's games.

Well, I'll talk to you about Portland in more detail in person...I really hope we can make it work.

By the way, WHAT THE HELL?!!?! : Dr. Fiddler is gay, and Ms. White and Ms. Moore-Leamon are having a relationship.

Explanation, please? ( Actually, Fiddler and Moore-Leamon are no shock. But I'm a bit surprised at Ms. White. How'd you come by this information? And, oh yeah, since I screwed this up awile ago, yes, I realize this information is given in confidence. Once again, I'm sorry.)

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:55 PM



Saturday, February 16, 2002 :::
 
My comp. sci. homework is killing me. Slowly.

Looking over the hundred or so lines of code I came up with in the wee wee hours last night it becomes obvious I was losing it. I started naming variables "thing", "otherThing" and "doohicky". Not a good sign. I'm doing better today, but only marginally. It's not going well.

In other news, I recently learned of the existence of a japanese guidebook that details the locations in England where Monty Python sketches were filmed. Wouldn't that make a fantastic vacation? Wandering around the U.K. via public transportation while trying to decipher the japanese phrase for "Fish Slapping Dance". Fun, I tell you, fun!

Also, Molly, I HAVE sent in the retreat form. Hopefully in time. The jpeg you sent worked fine. It's kind of odd that the .pict wasn't working. I actually thought that migh be what it was, but when I tried it the QT picture viewer kept eating itself. Oh well.
The fax arrived the next day. Got delayed a bit since my name was spelled slightly wrong on the cover letter. Odd, but it makes no difference now.

So...yeah. That's it for me. If and when my brain catches fire, you'll be the first to know.

-Carter

::: posted by Carter at 6:29 PM


 
For english class we have to make up an assignment for our classmates to do as part of our presentation of a poetic concept. Mine was hyperbole, and my assignment to the class was for them to tell a story in the style of an old man sittin' on the porch and tellin' tall stories to the youngins'. The best damned story in the class came from this Chris kid who's a little rusty on his English ( according to him- I've tried learning a forign language before, and I think he's doing friggin' GREAT) and hadn't even writen a story. He just made it up off the top of his head. It was Hilarious. I was giggling delightedly through the whole thing. Here is the story, as well as I can remember it:

"There was this boy...he had the largest nostrils in the whole world...and they just kept getting bigger and bigger...this boy, he liked to pick his nose, and he liked the things he found inside, and so he kept picking, and his nostrils grew and grew...Soon the boy's nostrils were so big he could fit his fists inside them...they just grew and grew, and the boy's parents, they tred to tell him to stop his digging, but he loved the things he'd find in his nose, so he continued to dig and dig. The parents, desperate, took the boy to the doctor to find a way to stop his nostrils growing...the doctor, he gave them some medicine, medicine which would stop the growing and shrink his nostrils to normal size...the boy's nostrils stopped growing, and in a few days of taking the medicine his nostrils began to shrink down...then, one night, his nostrils closed over his wrists, and his hands were trapped inside, and the boy had to go around that way for the rest of his life."

God, it was so funny. By the way Molly, we're planning to go to Portland Saturday, because my art class is cancelled that day. So figure out where you'd like to go and where you'd like to eat. We'll be happy to take you anywhere you desire.

Hey, you other bloggers, Molly's gonna be pretty fragged-out tonight, so if you see this, could you please post something funny to try and cheer her up a bit?

-Matt



::: posted by Comic Tools at 1:38 PM



Wednesday, February 13, 2002 :::
 
For the record, I think you'd make a very nice Alice, Molly. You can take that any way you want.

In other news, I just managed to injure myself with a plastic yogurt cup. I'm not sure how, exactly, I just know that it was bleeding more than I think was really necessary, and now I have to type without using one finger. I'm starting to think this is astrological or something. Normally food isn't this difficult.

Anyway, good luck with the costumes and such.

You DO know that tomorrow is Valentines Day and not Halloween, right?

-Carter

::: posted by Carter at 10:50 PM


 
I'm going as the Mad Hatter. Perhaps you could go as Alice?

-Matt, eat me.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:20 PM



Tuesday, February 12, 2002 :::
 
Hey there Carter! Welcome to the blog. Of course, you'll have to endure the same ruthless, inhuman hazing I was subjected to when I entered the blog. Now just unzip your pants and assume a lotus position, and- (Molly enters room)

Molly- Matt, what are you doing? What's all this about hazing?

Matt- Uh, you know, all the paddling and "horsie riding" you have to do to get into the blog.

Molly- Uhh, you don't have to anything like that to get into the blog.

Matt- But Ben and Nick said it was the rules! They said it was part of the sacred ritual rights of the blog! Heyyy, wait a minute...(Looks over at Ben and Nick, who are looking very, VERY guilty.)

(Silence for a moment, then everyone has a good laugh. END.)

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:18 AM


 
Yes. I did.

Umm...hi!

::: posted by Carter at 12:57 AM



Monday, February 11, 2002 :::
 
I would just like to state that it is totally untrue that all men think of conflicts with other men in terms of the size of the other man's penis.

On an unrelated note, I just love it when I'm watching a cooking program and I find that I can make the dish waaay better than the professional chef can. Like, this one guy was making this salad, and it was pathetic! My salads are much better than his! My dressings are snappier, and my portions are bigger, too. His portions were meager and laughable. His salad was small and pathetic, I tell you! And his lettuce was wilty and limp! I laugh at his impotent, tiny salad! Ah! Hah! Hah! Hah!

Ahem. Well, anyway, g'bye!

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 5:32 PM



Sunday, February 10, 2002 :::
 
The other morning I was dressing to go get the paper to read at breakfast and I was searching desprately for my hat. I then realized I had apparently cleverly hidden it RIGHT ON MY HEAD. Then as I made breakfast I poured orange juice into my grapenuts. Then, after I got another bowl, I almost did it again, and after that, I poured milk into my glass instead of orange juice. To top it off, I opened a whole new carton that I got from the back of the fridge, when there was a half-full carton lying in full view right on the door. So hey, Miss Tweedle-dee? I'm Mister Tweedle-dum. Nice to meet you. I'd shake your hand if I weren't afraid of causing us both permanent crippling injuries.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:43 PM


 
Hmm. I'm surprised and disappointed.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:47 AM



Saturday, February 09, 2002 :::
 
Whaddaya mean? Like, genuinely high? I diddn't think Sto did drugs. I'm confused.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 1:56 PM



Friday, February 08, 2002 :::
 
By the way, who's Sloane?

::: posted by Comic Tools at 7:38 PM


 
Actually, Molly, I hadn't noticed your being "Hard on me" at all. Those thoughts are internalized fears and worries that I always get from time to time. I did notice you seemed a bit tired, however. Thanks for the validation on my non-asshole status.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 7:37 PM


 
I can't imagine. You must be going nuts. ( To see another use of the word "nuts", see Matt's blog entry for December 13th, 2001.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:25 PM



Wednesday, February 06, 2002 :::
 
Wow, congratulations Ben. Glad to hear things are picking up. (Wink wink, nudge nudge.)

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:12 PM


 
Heh Heh Heh... little does she know that I only said those things to divert attention from my competitive necrodendriphilia! Wait, did I say that aloud?

::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:33 PM



Tuesday, February 05, 2002 :::
 
Uh, no, I can't say as I've ever done that. Although I must say I'm mildly impressed.

I have, however, attempted to see how long I can hold it up for ( about a half hour,) and I have hung heavy wet towels from it standing up and not dropped them.

So Ben, and Nick, now that Molly has disowned me, are either of you looking for a talented friend?

-Matt

P.S.- In my defense, Molly, it's just natural that if you have this weird thing on you forever you might want to at least want to see what you can do with it.


::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:10 PM



Friday, February 01, 2002 :::
 
I rather fancy pool, myself.

-Matt, What

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:54 PM

ARCHIVES :::

Ben, Nick, Molly, Matt, Carter, Maria, Christy, Jason, Greg, Eric, and UNCLE JEFF!! We are truly honored to have someone among us who is over 20 and claims to have some sort of responsibility. It won't last long.