Monday, April 29, 2002 :::
 
The problem seems to have fixed itself, Molly. My blog is publishing normally now. (unless you did something, in which case, muchos thanks.)

Wow, Maria, wench cards! Boy, ain't life amazing? Thank you. ~hug~ Now gimmie a beer.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:57 PM


 
I get no error sign, but the problem is persisting. Unless you still haven't written anything past "I'm really really lonely", yours still isn't publihing either.The help section continues to do a dismal job of living up to it's name.

Carter, let me get this straight: the oil guy liked your house, so he's BUYING it? Like, now? Christ, your life is weird.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 1:24 PM


 
Huzzah, Molly! Good call.
Wow, that is the most amazing error message I've ever seen...
I think I should start collecting error messages, that one was really impressive. I've never seen a 506 implemented before, and as far as I can tell there seems to be some disagreemnet/ambiguity concerning what exactly it IS. Plus, 127.0.0.1 isn't even a real IP address, it's a localhost loopback. The fact that that leaked out of the server through an HTTP error is really remarkable.
Congratulations, Matt. I envy your error finding skills.
And speaking of massive improbable errors, the hardest part of my hardest homework for this semester (and, actually, in theory, EVER) is complete. Now all I need to do is the easy bits. Yeehah.
My mother seems to be leaving on friday for no one knows how long. So...yeah.
Also, last week the oil people finally came to replace our leaking oil tank. This was a good thing, as it prevented our house from turning into some catastrophic ecological disaster that would result in some complany charging exorbitant amounts of money to raise our house up on stilts while they sponged up the oil from the ground and my family and I were assassinated by ninjas from greenpeace. Unfortunately, when they tried to remove it, they discovered that the exits from the basement were much too small for it to fit through. I can't help but wonder, then, how it ever got IN there. Our house hasn't changed that much, at least not recently. I don't THINK that the house itself was built around the oil tank, but you never know. At any rate, they wound up having to carve it into thirds using (judgning from the noise) chainsaws and sledgehammers. This took about three or four hours altogether, and since the oil tank wasn't REALLY empty when they started on it the smell was UNBELIEVABLE. Only now has the first floor managed to stop smelling of oil (and cheap syrup, but that's another story). Thus is the saga of the oil tank.
So earlier today we got word that the man who runs the oil company liked our house so much that now he's going to buy it.
I think my life has actually reached a new level of weird.

-Carter, now I actually have to clean out this room. Good god...

::: posted by Carter at 2:04 AM



Sunday, April 28, 2002 :::
 
Carter, anyone, Help. The page won't publish. Here's what it says: Error 506:Unable to contact view generation service: http://127.0.0.1/framework/BloggerService I've checked some of the trouble shooting discussion groups on blogger, and no one can figure out how to fix a 506 error.Repeat, HELP!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:42 PM


 
*Waves back*

-Matt, it's a tea party and you're all invited to kill the narc who wrote it and said it.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:39 PM


 
Yikes. Misunderstandings+ lack of consciousness= badness. Personally, I resolved not to IM when tired anymore after those weird black and white dreams with the topless rights rally and the weird agressive cheek kissing.

Anyway, a few poems:

Roly-poly pidgeons pop
from pills of alka-seltzer
in their stomachs.

The Meanie-weanie put them there,
but he caught cancer and lost his hair

and died.

He tried
to kill and now he's dead.
And slimy worms live in his head.

Yes, I'm aware that you can't "catch" cancer. But the assignment was to write a word-sound poem, and the sound worked so well. Here's another sound poem, which I don't like as much story-wise, but it works better for the assignment.

In the village
of Guff in
the land of Gee,
a logger cut
and killed a tree.

At the very last
chop the tree was
free, and it hit
and killed him instantly.

For the village of
Guff in the land
of Gee
is the land
of sideways gravity.

And let it henceforth be known that my Discordian name is Tobias B. Rittenhouse, preacher of Larry and the doctrine of the Holy Cucumber, high constable of Zanzabar, keeper and more than occassional wearer of the tingly electric eel underpants.

-Matt


::: posted by Comic Tools at 1:22 PM



Friday, April 26, 2002 :::
 
Wow, cool. Congratulatons on being a published scholar. *bows brain in deference*

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:18 PM



Thursday, April 25, 2002 :::
 
Here molly, a picture of Patch Adams:



-Matt Sure, I'm a Pope, but I'm not into it for the pedophilia, I'm just in it for the funny hats.


::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:10 PM


 
I must share this. Said by Christy earlier: "Peanut butter on alveoli? That would kill!"

Also,here's another one of my songs that I wrote while brushing my teeth:

You don't neeed a car to drive, just use an elaphant.
You don't need a car to drivem just use an elaphant.
You don't need a car to frive, you're in In-diii-aaa.

Mmm hmmm, mmm.

The elaphant which you ride is asiatic, not african.
It's bigger but it's got smaller ears, than-an-african.
The elaphant which you ride, is a-si-aaaaatiiiic.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:55 AM



Wednesday, April 24, 2002 :::
 
We wrote metaphors in english today. Here's a couple of good ones I thought I'd share:

-The slim covergirl fell through the grate like mail being sorted.
-He screamed like a tongue caught on braces.

Night' all!

-Matt, remember, paper shredders are not a safe tool for home-circumcisions.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:09 PM



Tuesday, April 23, 2002 :::
 
Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!
You can't escape now, Molly. It's just too late. ^_^
And I love you. But you knew that.
Plus, someday I may get enthusiastic at you. But only if you resist.

I think I'll go watch Scryed, now...

-Carter, soon enough you'll find yourself at a convention, MY SISTER!!

::: posted by Carter at 11:16 PM


 
To all: Lovity love love love.

Signed,

~Matt, Dronfity dronf dronf dronf.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:50 PM



Sunday, April 21, 2002 :::
 
Eva. Eva was your speed. Completely.

I don't really think of CCS as "silliness". Sure it has its moments, but it's certainly not Excel Saga or Digicharat or something like that. Kinda light compared to some CLAMP stuff, but then there are some sucking chest wounds that are light compared to X. Still, I have openly cried watching CCS. Anywho, I still understand what you're saying. As I said. Yet.

Too bad about winkam. There goes my faith in humanity.

-Carter, more than vaguely interested in the concert

::: posted by Carter at 11:52 PM


 
I knew what Lola is, I was just wondering why it had come up. And I would very much enjoy a CD sometime, although you're right in guessing I already have a ton of stuff from the D. You ought to see Escaflowne. You would enjoy it. But it's not in the same league as Bebop (though few things are). I should probably point out how much I love Card Captor Sakura (not Sukura, but I'll just assume that's a typo ^_-) although I will begrudgingly admit that it's probably not your speed. So, it's really your loss, but you would probably not enjoy it.
Much.
Yet.
I was completely unaware of the concert, and while I can't speak from any personal experience *hangs his head in shame* I've heard that TMBG are awesome live.

-Carter, RELEASE!!

::: posted by Carter at 11:05 PM


 
Unfortunately, I don't think I can really help with your solubility problems. Sorry.
But I can tell you this: Do not, repeat, do NOT get Saint Seiya, even if Netflix has it. You would not enjoy it.
BGC Tokyo 2040 is a kind of a remake/sequel to the original BGC, and it just kinda ignores Bubblegum Crash. It's much prettier than old school BGC, but not quite so well written. Thematically, it's...uhhh...kinda like Blade Runner I guess. Best I can do. You might enjoy it.
Eva movies would be fuuuuuuuun. I need to get those on DVD soon, my tapes are just...ewww...
There is no sense there, but you will enjoy it.
Mmmm...Bebop...very straightforward. No confusion, just some sadness and the endless cool. Oh, and if memory serves, that first DVD goes as far as Ballad of Fallen Angels. Ahhh... You will enjoy it. ^_^

Sorry I couldn't be more help, good luck and all. And what's all this about Lola??

-Carter, talking like a fascist conehead is more fun than you'd think

::: posted by Carter at 10:18 PM


 
"Now on unsolved mysteries: a man claims to have seen a congressman appear at a protest rally. Hear his chilling tale!"

I know hardly any anime, so I'm afraid I can't reccomend anything. You might see if you can find Saint Seiya, just for the hell of it.

Yes, blue hair on thighs. Hadn't noticed that. Must be the be the Mediterranean Eris.

Sorry Maria, didn't type fast enough to say bye back. Bye all! *hug*

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:52 PM


 
Well, that was either the first season of Slayers or the first Saint Seiya movie. Probably the latter. Can't quite tell, since the picture on your site isn't loading properly. Sodding Tripod policies. So, I can't say for certain, but if I'm right the answer would be 1988.
And now you know.
Also, just for the record, back in the height of the Clintonian scandal era, I was present at a rally up in Cambridge where a genuine congressman dared to appear. So, it's awfully rare, but not impossible. Carly Simon was there too, but it's not quite the same.

-Carter, full of spectacularly useless information.

::: posted by Carter at 8:05 PM


 
Sorry, just being safe, you know. Didn't mean to sound too much like that guy with the moustache in "The Wizard of OZ", casting people away when it's really no big deal. Hey everyone, I found buttloads of Eris pctures, including two anime versions. They're on my site, if you wanna see em. Carter, when in the hell did they do an anime about Eris?

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 6:38 PM


 
what is your personal blogg address? and by the way, what is Molly's? ~Christy

Although I'm pretty sure she'd be fine with me giving it to you, Molly's blog is a secret I carefully guard. I leave it up to her wether she wants to give it to anyone, and to whom. As for me, it's www.theholycucumber.blogspot.com. Of course, the same -ask-me-before-giving-it-to-anyone policy applies. It is, after all, essentially my personal journal, as is Molly's.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:50 AM



Saturday, April 20, 2002 :::
 
Actually, I didn't feel anything.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:20 PM


 
P.S.- How can Jesus, a full-grown man, live in a peanut butter jar and skitter around behing furniture? Well, this isn't commonly known, but Jesus no longer draws his power from God, but from Santa Claus. Thus, he posesses Santa's ability to shrink to fit any chimney, no matter how small. He can also make caribu fly, although he rarely uses that power, not being a regular visitor to Canada and all.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 6:08 PM


 
Yes, he hurled himself against the side of his peanut butter jar and managed to edge it off of the shelf and crash onto the floor. I've put Jesus traps around everywhere, but that little rascal is pretty tricky. You might call some of his escapes miraculous. My latest idea is to build a scale model of the garden of Gessemene. (not sure if that's spelled right) After all, it worked once, right?

-Matt, who has a little escaped Jesus running through his house.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 6:04 PM



Friday, April 19, 2002 :::
 
Cool! He must be good. I have the powerful and irresistable compulsion to give all that I own now. Wait, it passed. No wonder, Jesus just walked in back of me. Oh well. G'night.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:21 PM


 
You mean parallel parking, right? ALL driving is parallel.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 7:49 PM



Thursday, April 18, 2002 :::
 
Well, I finally caved and made up one of those friend tests. Hey, how do you get to other people's tests? And where do people go to take yours? I can't find this anywhere on the help section of the site.

Nick, every day, rip out a frash page from a Dungeons and Dragons book, fold it up, and tape it to your arm. Use as many in a day as you need. Then, over the course of several weeks, reduce the dose to less and less, until you don't need it anymore. D&D addiction is a horrible thing, and the deceptive lies of the D&D industry has only worsened the problem by promoting D&D use in young people and failing to warn of the risks of prolonged D&D use. You can get through this, Nick. You're not alone.

-Matt, recovering Star Trek user. I used to do two, maybe three Shatners a day. I was out of control!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:01 PM


 
Admittedly the AC is a horrible nevironmental strain, and I often wish that I cared, but after living through eight summers when it got to be 95 outside and 106 in my room for weeks at a time, I simply have no guilt. Sorry. Plus if I don't do some drastic cooling around this time of year the computers start crashing left and right. *sigh* Attic + Electrical Equipment = HOT. Not good.

I got to see the leftovers of this famous thunderstorm at around 3 this morning. Minimal rain, actually, but the lightning really was quite spectacular.

Well, I gotta get to class. Later all.

-Carter, I don't ever drive, that's gotta be SOME good ozone karma...

::: posted by Carter at 1:09 PM



Wednesday, April 17, 2002 :::
 
You know, air conditioning is one of those things that can renew my faith in mankind and its technology when I need it to.
I just can't argue with air conditioning. It's a Good Thing. Mmmm...
Anywho, it's been a pretty good week thus far. My mother is still here, but she could be leaving almost any day now. Even she realizes that she needs to start packing. Not a good sign. Not that I'll really be deeply bothered by any of this. I've had time to get over it, and I'm WAY too busy to be upset.
BTW, Molly, you're right on both counts. Dreams Come True is by SES and Next Step is by BoA, not Boa. Unfortunately, I can offer no explanation (excuse?) for Wadde Hadde Dudde Da. Oh well.
Wow...so much music...
More later.

-Carter

::: posted by Carter at 10:58 PM



Monday, April 15, 2002 :::
 
Molly suggested that you might enjoy this.

I can now compete with Sto for "stupidest ways of hitting yourself in the testes." For those of you who don't know him, Sto is a friend of ours whose testicles seem to constantly being assailed by either his clumsiness, or, more often, his deliberate actions. He's done everything from missing while attempting to thump a tabletop to humping a laptop computer. Truly, no one could match him for sheer stupidity and originality in the ways he found to whallop his nuts. Well, finally, I can at last compete with him. The other night I was in the shower, and I was singing some Do-wop song, by the Temptations, or someone, and I was snapping my fingers and swaying. Because, of course, you HAVE to snap and dance to Do-wop. So I was snapping and singing and having a grand old time, when one of the snaps happened to go tragically low. Directly into my left testicle, to be exact. Please, don't feel bad for laughing, I would have laughed too, if it weren't for my being preoccupied with being doubled over and incapacitated with pain. From now on, I'm wearing a cup whenever I'm naked.

-Matt, good thing I wasn't singing "In-a-gadda-da-vida", or I'd be in the hospital.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:03 PM



Sunday, April 14, 2002 :::
 
Hey, Ben? Ted was telling me about your two greatest aspirations in life. One was to walk into a church during a service, go up to the basin of holy water, exclaim "MAN, am I parched!" and then lean over and drink deeply from it. But for the life of me, I can't seem to remember what the other one was. Could you please tell me?

Also, I have one of my own to suggest: build a large paper mache penis, and set it atop one of those big, pointy steeples they have on Baptist churches. Then document the reactions on film.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 6:13 PM


 
You know, Poland, verbal abuse and whatnot? One of their favorite things to do was to have conversations just far enough away from me and at a low enough volume that it was plausible that they didn't mean for me to hear them. But always, they would be just within earshot.This way, if I butted in to defend myself, I could be charged with eavesdropping. So they'd have long conversations about what a pathetic geek I was and make up gossip about me and make observations as to my lack of sexual abilities and things like that. Then, later, the same people would come up to me and be REALLY nice to me, as if I hadn't heard evry word they'd said. Boy, did I ever love Poland. Love in sort of an axe-murdering wife kind of love.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 6:41 AM



Saturday, April 13, 2002 :::
 
What happened when?

::: posted by Comic Tools at 7:31 PM


 
You need to see the original planet of the apes. And little shop of horrors, which I keep plugging, I know. And I forget if you haven't seen it or not, but if you haven't, the Blues Brothers.

Wow, I wish when I was in Poland people would have had the politeness to insult me behind my back out of earshot.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:08 PM


 
As promised. Molly, any editorial corrections would be very welcome, since I'm actually publishing this, or am hoping to, anyway.

A dissertation on Smurf society By Matthew Bernier

(This essay was originally written for a vocabulary assignment in English class, in which we had to use our vocabulary words in a story. The vocabulary words are in itallics. This is meant to be a humorous piece of writing, and is in no way intended as a serious study of Smurf society and culture.)

General history

Smurfland is a proud nation of over thirty trillion citizens. They hail from a bizarre common ancestry, going back to five hundred years ago, when a group of leprechauns, all with a congenital birth defect which resulted in their windpipes being extended out the tops of their heads in a sort of "snorkel", were apparently thought to resemble a local folk demon called "Snorkelhead." In accordance with their leprechaun customs, the "demons" were covered in ty-d-bowl and thrown into the sea to drown.

Their peaceful, utopian society belies a barbaric, brutal history of internecine and war. Horrific campaigns of ravenous bloodlust swept across the land, carving huge swaths of destruction through the terrorized countryside. These primitive tribal battles only adumbrated the great wars which were to come. Several centuries of conflict with increasingly lethal technology eventually led to a total of fifty thousand full-scale nuclear wars. Of course, Smurfs are small and the radiation released by these wars would be roughly equivalent to that coming from your television set, but for the Smurfs the cost of these wars was terrible. If all of the humans who had ever died of anything, ever, were all added up together, the number would still be a mere decimal compared to the number of Smurfs slaughtered in these wars. The Smurfs stopped their fighting one day when someone dropped their headphones into the water with a John Lennon song playing on them. So terrible were the Smurf's wars, that to this day, the ocean is still blue.

Culture

Smurf culture is marked by particularly joyous and colorful pagents and festivities, many of which are made up just as an excuse to have a party, such as the quadrennial celebration of the word "ineluctable", which is observed nation-wide, and celebrated with sweetly-scented garlands, fairs, huge, decadent feasts, and dazzling fireworks displays. Similar words exist for pretty much every word in the dictionary, and some slang words and certain grunting noises also, so casual conversation is likely to erupt at any moment into a gala event, with confetti and streamers and silly-string shooting about all willy-nilly. These celebrations can make keeping a train of conversation going a bit difficult, as one can expect a four hour long drunken hiatus between almost every word in a sentence.

One famous Smurf apothegm germane to this topic goes like this: "Boy, (WOO-HOO, YA-HA, YIPPI-SKIPPINS!) am (Glug! MATHOOGA! YI-O YI-O YI-O YI-O!!!!) I (SKIBBA-BLIBBA WOO! WOO! Glug! Glug!) drunk (HA-HE-HA-HE-HA HIIIIIIII!!!) from (WUBBA WUZZLE GLIGGY GLIGGY Glug!) the (MOO-SHOO GOOGLE-MI-OOGUM Glug! Glug! *burp*) ineluctable (FLIBBLE-JOGGA DING-DONG! Glug!) party."

Smurf culture boasts a plethora of musical styles, from jazz to classical orchestra, from punk rock to polka. Mr. Gunn stated that he would have thought they'd all be blues musicians, for which he was immured in a windowless cell and fed only stale bread and water for thirty days.

Visitors to Smurfland are often drawn to it's infamous red-light district. Said one "vacationer", when asked why the area was such a popular destination, "Hey, they can make bubbles come out of their heads, what more do I have to say?" Patrons are warned, however, that they run the risk of getting a case of the crabs.

On one occasion aspersions were cast on the character of an ambassador returning from a diplomatic visit to Smurfland when his tongue was discovered to be blue. After a staunch investigation it was found that the ambassador had simply eaten a blueberry tootsie-pop on the flight home, and he was absolved of any wrong-doing.
Although individual taste in clothing is surpressed in Smurfland, their shirtless, faux-chef look possesses a certain fashionable elan which is a source of national pride for Smurf citizens.

National character and economy

All Smurfs are exceptionally wussy creatures. This is why all Smurfs carry a pair of glasses with them. When threatened, they'll whip on their spectacles and invoke the "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?" defense. This defense is tragically ineffective against sharks, and many an enterprising soul has found lucrative but dangerous buisiness in collecting and recycling glasses lenses from shark's stomachs.

An old grudge

It is not commonly known, but before the Levi Strauss jeans company switched to using denim for their distinctive blue pants, Levi's jeans were made from Smurf leather. Neither Levi nor his coadjutors were ever able to go near the sea again without an attempt on their lives, and to this day workers of the company still get blue paint thrown on them by protesters whose family members were turned into comfortable, high-quality garments.


::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:04 PM



Friday, April 12, 2002 :::
 
Hey! Get out here! I told you to go get the thong! Give me the thong! Hey!! Aww, crap. It seems he's taken up residence in my appendix, using my large intestines as a burrow. GET OUT OF THERE THIS MINUTE! HEY! HEY!!

Umm, Ben, can I take you up on that offer for the scopey thing? I think I need to have a face-to-face chat with this hamster.

-Matt OW! OW! OW! Now he's nailing up pictures on the walls!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:27 PM


 
"bendy scope things like they use for endoscopys"? You mean an endoscope? Actually, I already employed a hamster in a rubber suit to retrieve the missing garment. As I type this, he's wiggling his way through my upper colon. Good times. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

-Matt, uh-oh, I forgot to supply him with a canary to warn of dangerous gas pockets.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 12:16 PM



Thursday, April 11, 2002 :::
 
Wow, Whose Line? just had a reference to "The Little Shop of Horrors!" Cool!

-Matt, Feed me!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:15 PM



Wednesday, April 10, 2002 :::
 
HOLY SHIT! I just hit my fingers on the edge of the table in a way that hurt way inordinately more than the effort put into it, like when you hit a funny bone, only just as bad in an entirely different kind of way. Ahem, as I was saying.

I just wanted to share a few things. First, a good line from Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, a book I'm currently reading: " I agree. You have a horse in your bathroom, and I will, after all, have a little port." Douglas Adams is the only author in the universe who could have come up with the sequence of events which would make up the context in which a sentence like that would make perfect sense. I won't spoil the story for you if you haven't read it, but the events leading up to it include things like electric monks, purple aliens, trans-spatial gateways with dented brass handles, firm religious beliefs, and people popping out of car trunks and shooting people with their own shotguns.

The other thing I wanted to show you is a little song I wrote whilst brushing my teeth this morning. I often make up little songs while I go through my usual daily hygeine. I'm not entirely certain why, but I do, anyway. Usually these songs take on a form similar to "Public Enemy" singing in the bathroom.

(applyingdenterfrice to brush) "Fuck, fuck, FUCK da toothpaste! (words garbled for a moment at he actually brushes his teeth) "Phhk, phhk, PHHK dr ppghhlieesht!" (Rinses mouth, resumes normal speech) "FIGHT da floss power! Fuck it! Yeeeaaaahhhhh! Don't let the floss man get you down!"

But this morning I was in a bit of a Sifl and Olly style mood, and I ended up with these mysterious, haunting lyrics:

Why won't you give birth to my child, ma bruthuh?
(indescribable guitar rhythm)
Why won't you bathe with the penguins?
(more guitar)
Are you ashamed to bathe with the penguins?
(guitar)
If God loves me so much, how come a bear ate me?
(guitar)
I'M DEAD!!!!!

I think this is all conclusive proof that Hebron students need more sleep. Just think, I go to class in the morning in this condition.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:43 PM


 
I shall look forard to it.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 11:20 AM



Tuesday, April 09, 2002 :::
 
What, me?! -Engage in any such activity? I-I would, of course, NEVER do such a thing. *shifts uncomfortably in chair.*

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:44 PM


 
IMPORTANT TIP:Don't ride down the slide in your good thong, if you ever expect to find it again.

-Matt, especially the diamond-studded one, it's like flossing your butt with a chainsaw.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:46 PM


 
Ahh, but a professional WHAT?
I'm almost done. For better or worse, after Wednesday I'll have my leisure time back. The homework that has been eating my life is almost defeated. I haven't even had time to wish Christy a happy birthday, let alone father any love children.

Happy birthday, Christy.

*undirected leer*

Anywho, there'll be another quick crunch and then I can rejoin the land of the living, if only for a while.
In the meantime, it looks like my mother is leaving the country for an indefenite period of time pretty soon. Now, when she told me that, I thought "pretty soon" meant somewhere around July, or late June at the earliest.
Evidently she's thinking along the lines of, like, friday. And the next time I see her will most likely be in Canada, at one of her weddings.
My life is becoming indescribably strange.

Molly, you downloaded Taco's Puttin' on the Ritz because it was mislabeled as a TMBG song. This may sound strange, but it happened to me once. And now you know.

I'm going to be making a CD of the most depressing music I can possibly find. I've wanted to for a long time, and I finally think I have enough songs to do it. I'm still open to suggestions, though, and I'll be happy to send copies to anyone who wants them. After all, nothing helps a bad mood like depressing music. I'm actually serious, in my case anyway. And while I have been in an irrationally good mood for a very long time now, it never hurts to be prepared.

Back to the grind, and that is the end of the news.

-Carter, wondering if anyone knows how to calculate something's natural resonating frequency...

::: posted by Carter at 2:12 AM



Monday, April 08, 2002 :::
 
If I'm a dingo, and you have a child, then aren't you worried that I'll eat your baby?

-Matt, if vegetarians eat vegetables, then I'm a humanitarian.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:17 PM



Sunday, April 07, 2002 :::
 
Sorry, Ben, I forgot. Yes, you may father my love child, but only after Nick, who asked first. And you'll both have to wait for Army of Darkness. Yes, the movie. I love it so much I want to give it sugar, baby.

You're not beaten yet, Molly. Hang in there. I'll see you tomorrow, when I can share my essay in it's entirety. You'll like it alot, Christy, because you actually had to suffer the film.

-Matt, leaves windows streak-free and leaves your whole house smelling like fresh-roasted jesus cunt nuts.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:40 PM


 
Happy Birthday, Christy! *confetti*

Of course I'm turning it in. He asked for an honest critical essay, didn't he? And wasn't he the one who told us the story about defying his profesor's opinons in an essay? And besides, it isn't all just insults. The body of it is extreemly specific and throurough critical analysis of what I thought was wrong with the performance, citing specific examples from the performance, and providing suggestions as to how I thought it might be better. Although I did make absolutely sure that I spared no venom in ruthlessly ripping McCowen limb from limb. Talentless hack bastard. Oh, I forgot to tell you the title of the essay. It's called "Writing Angry", or alternately titled "I've seen detergents leave better film." (a gold star to those of you who get the muppet's reference.)

Good night everyone!

-Matt, leaves clothes squeaky clean and makes dishes cottony soft.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:27 PM


 
After touting the film as "The most emotional, passioate rendition of Mark's Gospel" he'd ever seen, and subjecting us to two hours of the most melodramatic crap acting I've ever seen in my life, Dr. Fiddler asked us to write a "critical review" of the film. Here are excerpts from the beginning and concluding paragraphs of my essay. The full essay is two pages long, not double spaced. Please enjoy as you read my terrible written vengence.

-Matt

" McCowen's performance of Mark's gospel is so poor, it's difficult to decide where to start ripping it apart. Should I begin with the bad acting, (I suppose I could give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he didn't actually intend to act during this performance, since this performance, if it were an attempt at acting, would be a slander unto itself, an embarrassment to McCowen, and irrefutable recorded proof that he is unfit to occupy a theater, even to sweep it's floors. But after being subjected to his performance, whatever it's intention may have been, I am in no mood to be so charitable. In this essay, at least, McCowen shall be held fully responsible for his breathtakingly bad, borderline-blasphemous desecration of Mark's gospel.),or should I commence by pondering his odd linguistic habits? Or perhaps his seeming inability to grasp the concept of using props? There's simply so much wrong with this performance, it's hard to select which abominable display of his lack of talent to begin demeaning with all possible cruelty....All in all, McCowen's performance can be summed up in two words: It stunk. God almighty, it stunk. If one were to pile a mountain of decaying corpses on stage, and then ladle some of the burning sewage of Ghenna onto them, and place a bunch of fans in back of them, and turn them full-blast on the audience, so the stink was driving right into their faces, it STILL wouldn't stink as much as McCowen's performance. Truly, the church should seek some cruel form of corporal punishment against McCowen for his defiling of a religious text. I might suggest a Paulie-Shore film festival, so that he might be subjected to similarly bad acting, and suffer as we did. But whatever his punishment, it is at least certain that this man must be kept from ever stepping on a stage again. I would suggest armed guards, posted in front of every performance venue in the world, with orders to shoot him on sight. Anything to protect the public from being subjected to his acting again.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:45 PM



Saturday, April 06, 2002 :::
 
I just noticed that there were scottish skeletons in the army of the dead. I didn't notice that before.

-Matt, lift your kilts and show em' your shiny white cocci!!! (plural of coccyx)

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:26 PM


 
Hummus hummus hummus hummus hummus hummus hummus hummus hummus hummus.

Matt, I am the iPod, koo koo ka joob!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 4:49 PM


 
Okay, I lied, my express intention was to be contrary.

-Matt, HIYAAA!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 12:51 PM


 
Not to be too contrary, but two-day old tomatillo guacamole, cheddar cheese, salsa, and hummice betwixt a pita pocket kicks ramen noodle's wavy starchy ass.

-Matt, iron chef

::: posted by Comic Tools at 12:51 PM


 
Sorry about disappearing without a goonight, Molly. My computer froze up again while I was waiting for you to get back from posting and it was much too late to re-start. talk to you later,

-Matt, convulsing as he sports his naughty new electric eel skin underpants.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 7:25 AM



Friday, April 05, 2002 :::
 
By the way, I love the verse, Christie. I'm glad you found something useful to do while listening to Meisseur Melodrama yammer on. "And Jesus spake unto them, 'HETHATBELIEVETHTHEWORD, THEY SHALL BE SAVED!!! And, *sigh*...They...Wuh... BLAGH, what a crummy film.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 11:31 PM


 
Cancelled classes are good if someone TELLS me. *mutters*
So, now that you're coming with me on this, although you can tell the difference between TMBG and Mono Puff, they're one up on most other bad classifications in that they actually ARE half of TMBG. Mono Puff is an old solo project by John Linnel.
And now you know.
Official tabs for Duvet are here, although I have no way of judging their quality, so if they don't work out for you I can point you towards some unofficial ones.
Harold once turned down a chance to see Boa perform live. To this day I consider it a mark of intense stupidity. Lucky bastard.

-Carter

::: posted by Carter at 11:30 PM


 
Do I detect some Tull references in your poem, Nick?

-Matt, g'night mom.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:18 PM


 
Sodding homework. Sodding cancelled classes. Sodding rescheduling everything. Sodding schedule.
Sod.
Mark has never called when he was REALLY on LSD. He called once while he was coming down after dropping acid AT WORK. If he has ever called me on STD, he didn't tell me about it. Thank god.
Now, Molly, I agree that the nails sound very little like TMBG, but don't you think Mono Puff sounds a LITTLE bit similar? Just a bit? Like, the lead singer for example? Just a little? *wink wink, nudge nudge*
I suddenly feel oddly nonpoetic. Oh well...

-Carter

::: posted by Carter at 9:37 PM


 
I would just like to say: It's after 2 AM and Mark (who has not talked to me at all in at least six months) just called to tell me he's "Rolling Face" which evidently means that he just took 3 pills worth of ecstasy and snorted another half pill's worth. He's oddly coherent, at least by his standards, and he's trying to talk me into going to a rave this weekend.

Good god...

-Carter

::: posted by Carter at 2:18 AM


 
It's fun having a conversation on the blog that's not actually on the blog...I wonder when all this will actually get published...
I would be genuinely surprised if anyone had ever played Little Miss Communication on the radio. It's not even on a CD of any legitimacy, and it's not really one of their more popular songs.
I'm pretty sure the CNJ is Mac friendly, but I'd have to check. It's USB based, so there's no reason for it not to be.
serial experiments Lain (there's no "with") is an anime show. It's...um...right. If you were confused after Perfect Blue, you might well explode halfway through Lain. It's somewhat like a 6 hour acid trip, according to someone who could well know. It's like our concensus about Moulin Rouge, the movie that takes drugs for you. Same idea. Don't know where you would have heard Duvet besides the CD I gave you. Although Boa IS a real band on its own, it's pretty much confined to Korea. Except that I did see a poster advertising their album in a Tower Records in Virginia one time. And that made me happy.
Oh, wait, I just lied. I know they HAVE played Little Miss Communication on the radio. Only once, and it was on NPR as part of some random documentary thing they did. Do your parents subject you to NPR all the time like mine do? There's a CHANCE that's it...

And that is the end of the news.

-Carter

::: posted by Carter at 12:46 AM



Thursday, April 04, 2002 :::
 
Hmmm, that was interesting. And I have no comment about comments, although I would like to point out that I happen to know some very nice l337s, which can happen so long as one does not take oneself (or at least one's |_33+|\|3$$) too seriously. However I do not know any nice teenyboppers at all. But that's just me.
Molly, yes, my device is a Creative Nomad Jukebox. I am very happy with it, although the battery life is horrible. 4 hours, I'd say. But it wasn't a priority.
The track listing WILL be easier with sounds. Helps keep the track numbers straight. Ok, here goes:
1. "Present day...present time...hahaha!!" from the beginning of serial experiments Lain (before Duvet)
2. "Bachianos Brazil Samba" by Ary Barroso
3. "I hear it's amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flapjaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on harikari rock. I need scissors! Sixty-one!!" from Metal Gear Solid 2
4. "Bumblebee" by Ween
5. "I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side..." from the HGTTG miniseries
6. "Mars Landing Party" by Placebo
7. "See this? This...is my BOOM stick!" from Army of Darkness
8. "Wadde Hadde Dudde Da" by Stefan Raab
9. "Ecky ecky ecky ecky..." from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
10. "Dancing Queen Medley" by Moxy Früvous
11. "You will go with the crew..." from The Hunt For Red October
12. "Soviet National Anthem" also from Hunt For Red October
13. "Inconceivable!!" from Princess Bride
14. "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" by, yes, Leonard Nimoy
15. "I'm bad Ash..." from Army of Darkness
16. "Barbie Girl (German)" by...um...I have no idea. Don't really WANT to know...
17. "Pie Jesu domine, dona eis requiem...*thwack*" from Holy Grail
18. "I Bet You They Won't Play This Song On The Radio" by Monty Python in one form or another
19. "Evil!! Pure and simple, from the eighth dimension!" from Buckaroo Banzai
20. "Cats On Mars" from Cowboy Bebop
21. "Dance Like You Want To Win" from Evangelion
22. "And Now For Something Completely Different" by Monty Python in one form or another
23. "Hubba Hubba Zoot Zoot" by Caramba
24. "I Be An Retarded" by Hemorrhoy Rogers (Which really is a hell of a name for a band...)
25. "Oro?" from Rurouni Kenshin
26. "Latex Dominatrix" by Tuscadero
27. "Every Sperm Is Sacred" from Meaning of Life
28. "Pollo Asado" by Ween
29. "Soylent Green..." from the film of the same name
30. "She Don't Use Jelly" by The Flaming Lips
31. "I switched glasses when your back was turned..." from Princess Bride
32. "She's Dead" by Jim's Big Ego
33. "Our situation has not improved." from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
34. "Splatter Splatter" by Moxy Früvous
35. "106 miles to Chicago..." from Blue Brothers
36. "Unsupervised, I Hit My Head" by Mono Puff
37. "Rei, go to dogma and get the lance" from Evangelion
38. "Enormous Penis" by Da Vinci's Notebook
39. "He didn't fall?!?! Inconceivable!!" from Princess Bride
40. "Henry V" by William Shatner
41. "And now the sound of John Denver being strangled..." from Monty Python in one form or another
42. "Closer to Mario" by NIN and the fine people at Nintendo
43. "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya..." from Princess Bride
44. "Little Miss Communication" by Jim's Big Ego (Her man... like "Herman" in spanish.)
45. "Arigatou, kimi ni aettae, ureshikatta yo." from Evangelion (Kaworu's last words before he got squished)

Whew. That was SOME procrastinating. And that is the end of the news.

-Carter

::: posted by Carter at 10:36 PM


 
*Sniff!* that was beautiful, man...that was the most beautiful thing I've ever read.

-Matt, commands squirrels to hoard your nuts

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:50 PM


 
No, seriously, if there's anyone with a sway in the vote who wants some mid-air procreation, I'll be waiting for you in the missionary position on a large catapult.

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:16 PM


 
Who would I have to procreate with in midair to become an administrator? I actually don't know what I'd do with it, but I'd just like the title as a means of propping up my flagging ego. I can't say as I'd particularly care about a counter, and I'm not sure what a comment thing would be for. (Lizardqueen@aol.com says"Bemorefuckingfunnyandgetridof that greasymattbernierdickhead! Moresexybenand Nick!bye.") I actually really like the template of this site.

-Matt, don't talk to me with my shoes off,my toenails are really microphones.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:14 PM


 
I'm starting to feel like I actually have a grip on my homework. This too shall pass, but in the meantime I think I'll take up procrastination again. It's fun.
So, Molly, about that track listing? Still want? Songs only, or songs and sounds?
And Matt, if you like "Hi-Ho" you'll probably enjoy this too. It's...um...yeah.

And that is the end of the news.

-Carter

::: posted by Carter at 12:56 PM


 
Oh, and Molly, here's that link I promised about Hillary Clinton. Be sure to follow the link to past articles at the top of the page, as most of her financial shennanigans occoured in the early nineties. Unless, of course, you're really not all that interested, in which case you should still follow the link I gave i my other post a few minutes ago, assuming you didn't follow it from Tom's site. It's like having dancing monkeys in your head.

Matt, po-tah-to, just to be contrary.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 11:10 AM


 
Hey Ben, your last post reminds me of those commercials for fatless steam-cookers on t.v. "All you do is place a Ben, frsh from the shower, onto any ordinary keyboard, and the POWER SUPPLY(tm) does the rest! The secret is in the shower water covering his body. As the electricity passes through Ben, the water will turn to steam, steaming him as it fries him to a crisp. THAT'S RIGHT, I said it FRIES him with STEAM. So you'll enjoy perfect, golden crispy ben on the outside, and moist, tender Ben on the inside. And there's NO ADDED FAT, so you'll know your family is eating the healthiest Ben they can get! And clean up is a breeze! Just leave his greasy carcass on the keyboard when you're finnished, and in a few hours he should be reduced to a small pile of ashes, which you can just vaccum right up! Isn't that great folks? *clap! clap! clap!*"

By the way, everyone should see this.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 11:03 AM



Wednesday, April 03, 2002 :::
 
Perfect Blue is really only confusing until the end. Of course, it's REALLY confusing until the end, but they do go so far as to explain things reasonably well. More than I can say for a lot of things. And I can see the logic behind using it with Torn, but it does take a sense of humor more warped than mine, which is a really frightening concept.
Oh, and the priest-guy (monk, actually, assuming we're talking about the same guy) wanted the Shishigami's head. He believed it could grant eternal life. Once he had the head, he was either planning to give it to the emperor for some unimaginable reward, or just make himself immortal. Not sure which.

More later, I think. I need to get back to work.

::: posted by Carter at 9:11 PM

ARCHIVES :::

Ben, Nick, Molly, Matt, Carter, Maria, Christy, Jason, Greg, Eric, and UNCLE JEFF!! We are truly honored to have someone among us who is over 20 and claims to have some sort of responsibility. It won't last long.