Saturday, May 31, 2003 :::
 
"Amoebic dysentary" is a funny name.

I like lemonade, provided that I do not get amoebic dysentary from it.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 4:14 PM



Thursday, May 29, 2003 :::
 
Wow, surprisingly small reaction to the devil pussy I posted. Man you people are jaded. Although it is largely my fault...

::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:41 PM



Tuesday, May 27, 2003 :::
 
Why does the U.S. hate the people of Uzbekistan?

Here's Bush shaking hands with the people-boiling evil dictator of Uzbekistan and close ally of the U.S. Islam Karimov. (photo slightly edited)

And here is Rumsfeld being chummy with the same. Once again, Mr. Karimov boils political dissidents to death.


"You can judge the character of a man by the company he keeps."
-- George W. Bush (November 5, 2000)

Article here.



::: posted by Comic Tools at 5:51 PM


 
I will just never be able to take as much pain as some people.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 1:37 AM



Thursday, May 22, 2003 :::
 
"Stick your fork into a potato fritter and it will shoot twenty feet into the air and explode to produce a spectacular burst of colour and light."

http://www.obvious.fsnet.co.uk/exploding/exploding.htm

::: posted by Comic Tools at 11:13 AM



Wednesday, May 21, 2003 :::
 
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOO!!!!

(I held the key down for as long as I said it.)

::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:15 PM


 
is there an echo in here?

::: posted by Jeff at 10:49 AM


 
Your graduation is dangerously close to the FC 50th reunion. Does that mean you aren't coming? Every one of you should be there. Especially all of you. link goes here

::: posted by Jeff at 10:48 AM


 
Your graduation is dangerously close to the FC 50th reunion. Does that mean you aren't coming? Every one of you should be there. Especially all of you. link goes here

::: posted by Jeff at 10:48 AM



Tuesday, May 20, 2003 :::
 
Howard Dean, naked people, and psychiatrists

This article is great in so many ways. My favorite quote:


"The runners are demonstrating a loss of inhibition made possible by a strong group identity," said Dr. Chantal Assenault of Quebec. "Everyone is accepted no matter how they choose to express themselves."

Sounds like a hell of a time to me.
http://examiner.com/news/default.jsp?story=n.b2bbreakersmain.0519w

::: posted by Comic Tools at 1:17 PM



Monday, May 19, 2003 :::
 
Ted Rall shows us all how to be sincere and sarcastic at the same time: http://www.ucomics.com/tedrall/

I disagree regerding the republican bashing in the speech. I thought what he said was entirely appropriate. Facts are facts- the republicans have fucked up the budget EVRY SINGLE TIME they have taken presidential office in the last 34 years. On the other hand, the budget has stabilized or even gotten better under democrats. Dean's right- the republicans can't manage money. Repunblcans almost qualify as having a mental disease when it comes to money matters. One definition of insanity is doing the same thing, with the same result, over and over, but expecting a different result. Yet the republicans keep trying to use huge tax cuts which obscenely favor the rich in times of extreem debt, even though it hasn't worked once yet. "It'll trickle down! It'll trickle down!" The only thing trickling down to the poor is money to fill the prizons with them after republican social program cuts result in soaring crime and drug use rates.



::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:00 PM


 
HOW-WARD-DEAN! HOW-WARD-DEAN! HOW-WARD-DEAN! Last night I was privlidged to see Howard Dean in an hour-and-a-half long speech/question and answer program on C-span. He was speking to Iowans who would be attending the democratic caucus to nominate a candidate. I didn't know this, but Iowans are a progressive people, and goodamn, they don't hold anything back when they question a candidate. Their beloved senator Tom Harkin was there, and he chipped in questions too. Those Iowans are true democrats, in the sense of the word that used to make me say I was one, and may someday again, and they really let Dean have it with the toughest, bluntest questions they could muster. And Dean shined. It was absolutely beautiful, I tell you. As direct and bold as the questions were, so was Dean, and speaking eloquently with no aid from a fucking teleprompter. No set of talking points could hav prepared him- Dean just flat-out knew his shit, in and out. I've head tell of Dean's almost famous ability to deflect critics in an intelligent and non-insultng manner, and last night I got to see it. One woman asked him if, as the governor of vermont, which is 49th in population, if he felt he was able to take on the tasks and extra responsiblilities of a larger , more diverse group like the country, or, say...Texas. Without missing a beat, Dean said "Well, Texas' educational system is 48th in the nation, Vermont is second. Texas' health coverage is 49th in the nation, Vermont is first. In Vermont most people and all children have health insurance, in Texas they just had to cut almost all health insurance to children because Bush mis-managed the money...so basically, I'm giving people the choice: do they want the Vermont model or the Texas model for their country?"

Another person asked him how the hell could he, some Vermont hick, basically, go and complain about the president's forign policy? Dean responded, and I paraphrase: "Well, actually, I've had a great deal of forign policy experience. When I was a student, age seventeen, I travelled to britain, and went to school there, and from there I got to travel all around europe. I remember vividly my time in Turkey, and it's because of that visit that ever since I've believed that we need to get Turkey into the European union. Aside from that, I've also done alot of traveling as a governor, travelling to fifty-one countries, in total, whereas the current president has berely been out of the country. And here's an interesting fact: I'm the ONLY ONE of any of the presidential candidates, including mr. Bush, who's met the incoming president of Argentina. I had a very nice lunch with him a few years ago when I was governor. I fact, I have more forign policy experience than Bush or Clinton or Jimmy carter had before they were president. And that's not to say there's alot I don't know. But I will surround myself with people who do know, and to whom facts matter, not idealogues like Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Wolfowitz. I will have a forign policy where facts matter, not just ideology."

(and here's a related statement, from another question. Paraphrased, again.) Our forign policy has to have a sense of Morality to it. As you well know, I'm the only candidate who didn't support the war in Iraq. And it wasn't because I liked Saddam and thought he was a great fellow- I'm glad he's gone. I opposed the war because I think that it sets a dangerous precedent when we say that we can pre-emptively take out another country, without actual provocation or evidence. Furthermore, I felt that our attention was better spent on Al-quaida and North Korea, which te president has largely ignored. Now, I DID agree with the strike on Ahfganistan because that country was giving shelter to people who helped in conspiring to kill 3000 of our people. But look at the mess the president is making over there now! We're making deals with warlords! Have we learned nothing from our history?! Do we not remember that it was Rumsfeld who introduced chemical weapons to Saddam Hussein in the reagan years? Do we not remember that it was the CIA who helped train the Muhajadeem who later came to kill our people on September 11th? Haven't we learned that the old "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" business doesn't work in the modern day? Because our friends can turn into our enemies! Have...we....learned..nothing? Our forign policy has to have morality, not just convienicnce. It has to be long-term, not just serving the present needs.

Dean also addressed forign policy and defense in terms of Trade. He said that any trade agreements we make with other countries have to come with worker's conditions stipulations. There is no good reason to do business with people who treat their workers like slaves. Furthermore, trade isn't just a matter of money. It's a metter of defence. It's to our advantage, in security terms, to encourage the growth of large middle-classes in all countries. Middle class societies are the ones which foster freedom and prosperity. Middle class societies don't generate the envy and hatred that poor, downtrodden societies fester, which is the root of much of terrorism. Middle class societies don't knowingly harbor terroists! It is in not only humanitarian interest, but in the interest of our national security, to make sure, through our trade agreements, that we encourage good treatment and fair pay for workers.

Makes, sense, doesn't it? Ohh, but that's just the beginning of his forign policy. I won't explain all of it, but if you think he's gonna just get into office and go "Well gee, daddy, whadda I do now?", than think again. I'll lose that issue with this great quote, which I wrote verbatim, about companies which move overseas, thus depriving Americans of jobs.

"First of all, companies that move their headquarters offshore should not qualify for tax breaks and should be considered no longer American corporatons, and therefore should not be able to do defense department work for the United States of America." (Cheers erupted from the audience.)

Not only that, but his heatth care plan, which is approved by most of the special interest groups that would normally oppose this sort of thing, would give health insurance to every single american who needed it. And it would cost less than helf of Bush's tax cut.

After one of dean's speeches in New Hamshire, a republican man came up to him and said "You know, I remember that five hundred I got from Bush. But I also remember that my 401K went down by ten thousand under Bush's tax cuts. I think I was better off before Bush."

There's so much more I could go on about. But you really need to go research him, and learn his policies well, so you can tell people about them. Suffice it to say, I want to bear this man's love child. Oh, and vote for him.



::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:20 PM



Saturday, May 17, 2003 :::
 
This page (http://quimby.gnus.org/warehouse/anl10/anl10.html ) Illustrates beautifully Chris Ware's incredible hand-lettering and design work on the front cover, and his dead-on parody and typesetting skills in the fake ad for a real roman crucifix. If you're not Christian, it's funny funny funny.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:52 PM



Friday, May 16, 2003 :::
 
I'll go first- since Santorum seems to have this odd thing for dogs, I think "Santoruming" should be rubbing your partner's belly while sniffing their ass. And the rubee needs to wiggle their leg as if scratching at an invisible itch in the air.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:50 PM


 
Yet again, I have prepared another unusually amusing post for you all, including a fun contest for us all to play!

Starting off the comedy is self-titled compassionate conservative Mike Savage, who just the other day cracked wide into the as-of-yet unopened comic goldmine of making fun of autistic people! That's right, making fun of people who are disabled by autism! Right now I bet you comedy buffs are thinking the same thing that I was when I heard this: "But Matt, how does one make fun of autistic people? Do you go 'HA! lookit that guy! He can't speak properly, but man, can he count!' Or perhaps walk up to them and just firgihten themuntil they screech and cry and shit their pants, and then laugh at how inferior they are to healthy people?" Well, you're not far off. In response to a California report that autism rates are skyrocketing, Savage mocked autism as a non-disease, reading a list of autism syptoms and saying "I got that..have that...have that..." So start observing autistic people and make witty observations about their various mental and/or physical defects, and you'll soon be part of the new wave in comedy that's sure to sweep the nation!

So, how can I possibly get any funnier than that, you ask? Well, I could start by posting something that's actually funny. Like this contest proposed by a reader of Dan Savage's "Savage love," a sex column that appears only in the online Onion AV club every Wednesday:
I'm a 23-year-old gay male who's been following the Rick Santorum scandal, and I have a proposal. Washington and the press seem content to let Santorum's comments fade into political oblivion, so I say the gay community should welcome this "inclusive" man with open arms. That's right; if Rick Santorum wants to invite himself into the bedrooms of gays and lesbians (and their dogs), I say we "include" him in our sex lives--by naming a gay sex act after him.

Here's where you come in, Dan. Ask your readers to write in and vote on which gay sex act is worthy of the Rick Santorum moniker. It could be all forms of gay sex ("I pulled a Rick Santorum with my straight roommate in college"), or orgasm in a gay context ("We fooled around, and then I Rick Santorumed all over his face"), or maybe something weirder ("We've bought some broom handles, and we'll be Rick Santoruming all night"). You pick the best suggestions, and we all get to vote! And then, voilà! This episode will never be forgotten!
(to which Dan replied)
I love your suggestion. There's no better way to memorialize the Santorum scandal than by attaching his name to a sex act that would make his big, white teeth fall out of his big, empty head. And don't doubt for a moment that Savage Love readers have the power to do just that: Savage Love readers selected "pegging" for a woman doing a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo--much to my Aunt Peggy's dismay--and "pegging" is already showing up in dictionaries of sexual slang. So, readers: Should a "Santorum" be a common or a rare sex act? Vanilla or kinky? Sweet or gruesome? Send in your suggestions, I'll print the best, and we'll all vote. And then, if God really wants to prove to me that He really does exist, a videotape of Ashton Kutcher Rick Santoruming Joseph Gordon-Levitt's brains out will somehow fall into my hands.

mail@savagelove.net

So, what I'd like everyone on the blog to do is suggest a gay sex act that will be Honored forever with the name "Santorum." If you want to submit to the real contest in Dan's culumn, his address is above. Go people!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:44 PM



Thursday, May 15, 2003 :::
 
Arnold Shwarzenegger: America-hating pinko terrorist, and my new hero-of-the-minute:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/news/archive/2003/05/13/national1729EDT0741.DTL

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:25 AM



Saturday, May 10, 2003 :::
 
I was surprised that they gave me such a high score on fradulentness, but then I remembered that the questions aksed whether I'd ever done those things, and I used to be quite the lying, decietful little bastard. I'm also surprised I didn't score higher on wrathful. I even said it was okay to punch someone if thay "have it coming." And I'm really surprised I didn't get a super-high glutton score.

Fortunately, I get to hang with my favorite level- heretics. I'll be sittin' pretty with Penn and Teller down in Hell someday. Now if that ain't heaven, I don't know what is.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 11:37 PM


 
I'm afraid I didn't fare quite as well as you, Maria.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

::: posted by Comic Tools at 11:29 PM



Friday, May 09, 2003 :::
 
Good visual, bad visual.

Here (http://www.gorilla-a-gogo.com/viewFile.php?doc=57) is a chart illustrating the mountainous, everest-like discrepancy between the tax cut for the richest 1% and the bottom 80%. You need to see this to fully appreciate just how big it is.

And now, to make you happy and alleviate your outrage, here are some kittens: http://albums.photo.epson.com/j/AlbumIndex?u=4059608&a=30607957&f=0

::: posted by Comic Tools at 11:40 AM



Thursday, May 08, 2003 :::
 
Margie Phelps writes:

MIKESIGNORILE: You have reached new levels of deceit and depravity ("The Gist," 4/30). Complaining about Sen. Santorum and his family saying goodbye to their deceased baby as though that’s unnatural, while fags use every dead or dying fag in the world to promote anal copulation and similar abnormal behavior! Unbelievable! It definitely draws to mind the passage in the scriptures on homosexuals at Jude 8: "Likewise also these filthy dreamers defile the flesh, despise dominion, and speak evil of dignities." That fits you and those you favor to a T.

Have you been to a fag parade lately? Have you seen the bizarre vulgarities that make up their outfits and behavior? Have you listened to the sewage spewing out of their mouths? It’s like you’ve suddenly been transported to a parallel universe where everyone in it is an angry, violent, raging, pitiful, filth-mongering freak. I know–I’ve picketed scores of them. These people are riddled with every manner of mental, physical, emotional and moral deformity–and nothing is sacred with them.

What kind of a distorted lens do you look through, my friends? Where you would mock a man for letting his family say goodbye to a dead loved one, while promoting sex with feces and semen-drinking? You have truly lost all contact with reality. You and your readers are in desperate need of about five dozen readings of Romans 1–quickly.

Margie Phelps, Topeka, KS

To which I reply: Fags have sex with feces and semen-drinking?! DAMN, I gotta find me some fags fast!

But seriously, I love the line where she says she knows fags are angry and violent becuase she's picketed them. Well of course, what better way to establish someone's usual demeanor than by attending a parade they're holding to celebrate their right to feel like valuable human beings and holding up a sign telling them they're filthy, hell-bound freaks of perversity. That always breaks the ice and eases tensions. And what does she mean by "every manner of physical deformity?" In general, I've found that openly gay people tend to have healthy, rock-hard bodies with taught muscles and supple yet finely sculpted asses. (<-- blind, sweeping generalization for humor) Did she accidentally attend a gay lepers parade? Are there parades for gays who've suffered mangling industrial accidents? "We're here! We're queer! We're missing ears!"

And, one last note: I took the time to look up and read the article she responded to. Although it does refer to Santorum's bigotry, it makes no mention whatsoever of his son or of Santorum's family life. I don't see where this woman got that from.
---------------------------------------
Greg: I can take people, sure. Ben's rusted out shitbox could also take people if my Neon is not sufficient. Depends if Nick is coming. I can take up to three people.


::: posted by Comic Tools at 11:56 AM



Tuesday, May 06, 2003 :::
 
I would love for Ben to tag along as well- preferably in the manner of a small, friendly puppy dog with a pleasantly dry tongue but a mildly embarassing yet endearing leg-humping tendency.

May 24th is clear for me at the moment, and I'll do my damndest to keep it that way. I am a possibility for a driver, but consider me a reluctant last resource, please. At least in the city. I'll go perfectly willingly to anyone's huse, in state or not- but I want a ride into the city unless it's absolutely impossible.

As should be clearly evident from my writing this, I'm back in Maine. I'll be seeing you soon, Christy. And if you're doing anything with Ben or Nick, tell me, of course.

Oh, and Nick, if your computer's fixed, that Tull CD would hit the spot.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:58 PM



Monday, May 05, 2003 :::
 
*beep! Matthew is being hastily uprooted from New York right now, and cannot answer the blog. He will be back Tuesday evening at the earliest. Please hold all questions, querries, comments, and correspondence until then. Beep!*

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:42 AM



Friday, May 02, 2003 :::
 
One of my most entertaining reports ever!:

First off, O'Riley's ratings for his radio show are going down the crapper. HA HA!

Racism is dead! It tuns out that not everyone got the memo, though: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,85737,00.html

Seperate proms. Cute. Maybe the theme at the white party could be "lynching niggers." They could make paoper mache trees and tie oragami negroes to them. It'd be a blast.

Santorum actually tripped over a chair running from some activists the other day:

WASHINGTON, May 1 — Four parents of gay children had a fiery private exchange tonight with Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania. The meeting did not go well, and Mr. Santorum, who has infuriated gays by likening homosexuality to incest and bigamy, left in a hurry, tripping over a chair, the parents said.
"What we tried to do in this meeting was reach him on a human level, and we found no humanity there," said Melina Waldo, a former constituent of Mr. Santorum who lives in Haddonfield, N.J. She said he was "condescending, belligerent, argumentative and arrogant."

Gay men may soon be able to reporduce with each other:

Scientists in Pennsylvania yesterday said they had turned ordinary mouse embryo cells into egg cells in laboratory dishes -- an advance that opens the door to creating "designer" eggs from scratch and, if repeated with human cells, could blur the biological line between fathers and mothers.
The work undermines the standard model of parenthood because the scientists made egg cells not only from female cells, but also from male cells, indicating that even males have the biological capacity to make eggs.
If the science holds true in humans as in mice -- and several scientists said they suspect it will -- then a gay male couple might, before long, be able to produce children through sexual reproduction, with one man contributing sperm and the other fresh eggs bearing his own genes.

Go see the headline on this article:
http://www.canada.com/national/story.asp?id=78A2260B-4770-4682-BE60-E6FE1D3B8144

For the second time, soldiers open fire into a crowd of Iraqis. This time the Iraqis were pretesting the last shooting, when they got shot at. Apparently the soldiers were fired at, but may I suggest that even if you have been shot at that opening fire into a tight crowd with heavy artillery is not the solution?

Here's a picture: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/030430/168/3xvax.html Notice that the driver even weilds a weapon.

And finally, the funniest article I've ever presented, an article about Bush's 1 year AWOL during his cushy stay in the guard. I love the heroic picture of him next to an airplane, just one of many airplanes from which he was suspended from flying due to his negligence to duty. Article here: http://www.boston.com/news/politics/campaign2000/news/One_year_gap_in_Bush_s_Guard_duty+.shtml

and, even though it's a little unreadable, here are Bush's suspension from flight, ( http://users.cis.net/coldfeet/grounded.gif )and a copy of his penalty fro bad attendance, which wasn't even related to his one year disappearence. (http://users.cis.net/coldfeet/doc23.gif)

Thank you and goodnight folks.





::: posted by Comic Tools at 6:50 PM

ARCHIVES :::

Ben, Nick, Molly, Matt, Carter, Maria, Christy, Jason, Greg, Eric, and UNCLE JEFF!! We are truly honored to have someone among us who is over 20 and claims to have some sort of responsibility. It won't last long.