Monday, June 30, 2003 :::
 
Speaking of Phallic things, here are some Gundam-wing condoms from Japan. Yes, these are real.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 6:13 PM



Sunday, June 29, 2003 :::
 
I mean, for fuck's sake!


::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:23 PM


 
Ribbed! It shoots white pudding and it's RIBBED!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:23 PM


 
Sweet weeping Jesus man, it's RIBBED, even!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 2:22 PM



Monday, June 23, 2003 :::
 
This article, and the other articles like it, and the site of which it is a part, and all the hilarious fake ads that are part of the page, is/are the greatest parody website I've ever seen in my life. Ben, if you think getting Fallwell's newsletter is funny, this will have you laughing so hard poop will fly out your nose. The letters section has to be the funniest part- it's amazing how many people don't seem to understand this is a gag. I thought it was pretty obvious, myself.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:34 PM


 
Actually, she claimed I'd been called by "some guy named Bam. " She also tells me that a girl named "Chrissy" keeps calling. Phone messages from my grandmother are an adventure in decoding.

Hey, what's Nick's phone number? I seem to have the wrong number for him.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:19 PM



Friday, June 20, 2003 :::
 
Maria is out of High school! Huzzah! Congratulations Maria!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 7:57 PM



Wednesday, June 18, 2003 :::
 
Yeah, it looks like I won't be attending. Sorry Maria. We'll get together another time.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 4:05 PM



Sunday, June 15, 2003 :::
 
Hopefully I'll be able to Come Maria, and hopefully so will Christy and Molly. Cross your digits.

Hey everyone, for the first time in a good long while, I had another toothbrushing song come to me. It's been so long that some of you may have forgotten what the hell I'm talking about. See, I sing in the shower, but when I sing in the shower, it's always other people's songs that I've heard. But when I sing while brushing my teeth, I sometimes make up funny songs. It's been a long time since I've posted one, but finally, I'm making a comeback, with the sure-to-be-a-hit single "erection girl."

Erection Giiiiiirrrrlllll,
Mysterious as the sunnnnn.
Erection giiiiiirrrrrllll,
Mysterious as the moooooooonnnnn.
How can
A girl
Have an
e-rec-tion?
Erection Girrrrrrllllll,
That's just the way she iiiiiiiiiisssss.

Erection giiiiiiirrrrrrllll,
Has an erectiooooooonnnn.
Maybe erection girl
is really not a girrrrrrllllll.
NO!
She's just a girl,
Who happens to have an erection.
Erection giiiiiiiirrrrrrrl,
Mysterious as the sunnnn.

Erection Giiiiiirrrrllll,
Will lead us to gloreeeeee.
Erection girrrrrrlllllll,
Will lead us to faaaaaaame.
Pointing
The way
With her ma-ssive
E-rec-tion.

Erection giiiiirrrrllll,
Will show us the wayyyyyy.


::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:52 PM



Friday, June 13, 2003 :::
 
At this point, I'd actually put myself more on the "will try to come" list. If no one can come with me, I won't want to go myself.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:17 AM



Wednesday, June 11, 2003 :::
 
From "Savage Love" today:

Hey, everybody: We have a winner. Savage Love readers, by a wide margin, want U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum's name to stand for... that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex! It was a landslide for that frothy mixture; the runner-up, farting in the face of someone who's rimming you, came in a distant second. So, congratulations to WUTSAP, who nominated that frothy mixture, and a big thank-you to the thousands who voted.

But now that the votes are all counted and a winner has been declared and the cheering has stopped, I see a problem. While everyone who has anal sex has to confront a little santorum now and again, no one likes to think about santorum, much less discuss it. A polite buttfucker says nothing about santorum to the embarrassed buttfuckee, and vice-versa. They just get up and clean up. Since people don't discuss santorum even with people they've covered with santorum, getting the word into general use is going to be tricky. I'm willing to do my part, however: Please send me your santorum-related questions and/or santorum-related memories, and I'll do a column or two on santorum. This will not only help to get the word out and into general use, but also help break the silence about santorum.

And here's some headlines the New York Times needs to issue apologies and retractions for:


Rumsfeld Assures: No Plans To Invade Iraq

Finding Osama bin Laden "Dead Or Alive" Is Highest Bush Priority

Ashcroft USA Patriot Act To Protect American Freedoms

Homeland Security Alerts To Reflect Credible Terror Threat Levels

Pentagon Announces Taliban Eradicated

Bush Leads President's Forum On Economic Reform ˜ "Criminal corporations won't receive Federal contracts"

Ha ha ha! And I'm off.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 11:45 AM



Tuesday, June 10, 2003 :::
 
French troops save Americans.

Whatsamatter, americans? You lose your guns? You need the panty-wearing French to come to your rescue? Maybe you're not a country of Chuck Norrises after all. Puuu-seees! Puuuuseeees!

-Matt

::: posted by Comic Tools at 5:07 PM



Monday, June 09, 2003 :::
 
yes...but i don't know how to do that.

I'm off to camp for the next few somethings. See you there!

::: posted by Jeff at 5:14 PM



Friday, June 06, 2003 :::
 
I have a new IM profile. Want to see? You have to talk to me.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:23 PM


 
The Animatrix is out on pay per view and is in rental stores, and everyone should try to see it. I watched it at Molly's yesterday. This excerpt from the Onion review sums it up pretty well:

The Animatrix is virtually all grimmer and grittier. Its characters are peripheral to the Matrix trilogy, and there's no guarantee that they'll survive, let alone triumph. But by establishing the lethality and bleakness of the Wachowskis' world outside the radius of their central heroes' reach, The Animatrix raises the stakes on The Matrix, and gives it a bit of the depth it lacks.



::: posted by Comic Tools at 9:28 PM


 
Well, you see, violence in God's name is okay, unless it's the terrorists doing it, then it's wrong. Except when people bomb abortion clinics. Then it's okay, because those people think they're acting in God's name. In fact, it's even considered acceptable to question whether maybe what they did was actually a little heroic. But when Arabs wonder if maybe what terrorists do is heroic, it's wrong, because they're deluded religious fanatics. Whereas the people who support the death penalty and abortion clinic bombers are simply dedicated, principled religious people. Don't you see the difference, you idiot?

Now, my suggestion for abortion clinic bombers is this: If you bomb the clinic, you're killing the embryos within the mothers also. Instead, if you REALLY believe that forcefully saving these babies is right, you should strap the mother to a gurney, tranquilize her, feed her intravenously, and when the baby is ready, cut it out of that heathen bitch, and leave her on the table. If you feel like being nice, you might sew her back up and let her live. But there's no need for such uneccecary mercy, unless you're some kind of God butt-kissing holy point-scorer or something. Just like the villan from "Seven", every abortion clinic bomber's hero, said:"There's nothing wrong with a man tking pleasure in his work."

This has been a post from conservative man. Down with liberal media!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:48 PM



Thursday, June 05, 2003 :::
 
I wish this were fiction, but it's not. It's from an arab newspaper.

Kingdom’s Leading Executioner Says: ‘I Lead a Normal Life’
Mahmoud Ahmad, Arab News Staff




JEDDAH, 5 June 2003 — Saudi Arabia’s leading executioner Muhammad Saad Al-Beshi will behead up to seven people in a day.

“It doesn’t matter to me: Two, four, 10 — As long as I’m doing God’s will, it doesn’t matter how many people I execute,” he told Okaz newspaper in an interview.

He started at a prison in Taif, where his job was to handcuff and blindfold the prisoners before their execution. “Because of this background, I developed a desire to be an executioner,” he says.

He applied for the job and was accepted.

His first job came in 1998 in Jeddah. “The criminal was tied and blindfolded. With one stroke of the sword I severed his head. It rolled meters away.” Of course he was nervous, then, he says, as many people were watching, but now stage fright is a thing of the past.

He says he is calm at work because he is doing God’s work. “But there are many people who faint when they witness an execution. I don’t know why they come and watch if they don’t have the stomach for it.

“Me? I sleep very well,” he adds.

Does he think people are afraid of him? “In this country we have a society that understands God’s law,” he says. “No one is afraid of me. I have a lot of relatives, and many friends at the mosque, and I live a normal life like everyone else. There are no drawbacks for my social life.”

Before an execution, nonetheless, he will go to the victim’s family to obtain forgiveness for the criminal. “I always have that hope, until the very last minute, and I pray to God to give the criminal a new lease of life. I always keep that hope alive.”

Al-Beshi will not reveal how much he gets paid per execution as this is a confidential agreement with the government. But he insists that the reward is not important. “I am very proud to do God’s work,” he reiterates.

However, he does reveal that a sword will cost something in the region of SR20,000. “It’s a gift from the government. I look after it and sharpen it once in a while, and I make sure to clean it of bloodstains.

“It’s very sharp. People are amazed how fast it can separate the head from the body.”

By the time the victims reach the execution square they have surrendered themselves to death, he says, though they may hope to be forgiven at the last minute. “Their hearts and minds are taken up with reciting the Shahada.” The only conversation with the prisoner is when he tells him to say the Shahada.

“When they get to the execution square, their strength drains away. Then I read the execution order, and at a signal I cut the prisoner’s head off.”

He has executed numerous women without hesitation, he explains. “Despite the fact that I hate violence against women, when it comes to God’s will, I have to carry it out.”

There is no great difference between executing men and women, except that the women wear hijab, and nobody is allowed near them except Al-Beshi himself when the time for execution comes.

When executing women he will use either gun or sword. “It depends what they ask me to use. Sometimes they ask me to use a sword and sometimes a gun. But most of the time I use the sword,” he adds.

As an experienced executioner, 42-year-old Al-Beshi is entrusted with the task of training the young. “I successfully trained my son Musaed, 22, as an executioner and he was approved and chosen,” he says proudly. Training focuses on the way to hold the sword and where to hit, and is mostly through observing the executioner at work.

An executioner’s life, of course, is not all killing. Sometimes it can be amputation of hands and legs. “I use a special sharp knife, not a sword,” he explains. “When I cut off a hand I cut it from the joint. If it is a leg the authorities specify where it is to be taken off, so I follow that.”

Al-Beshi describes himself as a family man. Married before he became an executioner, his wife did not object to his chosen profession. “She only asked me to think carefully before committing myself,” he recalls. “But I don’t think she’s afraid of me,” he smiles. “I deal with my family with kindness and love. They aren’t afraid when I come back from an execution. Sometimes they help me clean my sword.”

A father of seven, he is a proud grandfather already. “I have a married daughter who has a son. He is called Haza, and he’s my pride and joy. And then there are my sons. The oldest one is Saad, and of course there is Musaed, who’ll be the next executioner,” he adds.
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Copyright: Arab News © 2003 All rights reserved.



::: posted by Comic Tools at 8:09 PM


 
HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Ah, that was quite the amusing little ditty.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 12:34 PM



Tuesday, June 03, 2003 :::
 
Fuck a duck!
Fuck a duck!
Waterfowl are out of luck!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:01 PM



Monday, June 02, 2003 :::
 
AHEM! I post assloads on here.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 10:52 PM


 
I think it would be safe to say that we are ALL too lazy to post anything here any more. For details, see my blog, which isn't even linked here, but i'm not going to do it again, because i'm just too lazy.

::: posted by Jeff at 9:53 PM


 
how did last weekend go? those of us who missed it want to know.

::: posted by Jeff at 3:34 PM

ARCHIVES :::

Ben, Nick, Molly, Matt, Carter, Maria, Christy, Jason, Greg, Eric, and UNCLE JEFF!! We are truly honored to have someone among us who is over 20 and claims to have some sort of responsibility. It won't last long.