Friday, January 30, 2004 :::
 
People flock to see exploded whale's huge dick:

::: posted by Comic Tools at 11:39 PM



Thursday, January 29, 2004 :::
 
My god, you're right, he IS an Ewok.

Everybody here knows the Davinci's Notebook song "enormous penis", right? Well, you'll get a kick out of this.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 11:48 PM



Sunday, January 25, 2004 :::
 
Ben, you psychotic romantic, you.

Okay, I have a bone to pick here. The media has already shown that they'll spare no fact or context in their goal of jumping on top of Dean as a mean pessimist every time he so much as farts loudly. But I've been particularly disgusted about how coverage of Dean's post-Iowa caucus speech has all been of some bizarro world event that never happened. How do I know? Because, seemingly unlike every commentator on the subject, I actually took the time to watch the entire speech on video. Dean never flew into an angry rant. He got very passionate giving a rousing speech to a group pf cheering, adoring young Deanies who needed some cheering up. The video proves nothing except that Dean can work a crowd well and that he really, truly appreciates his supporters. I saw in that video a man what I would really like to be president of my country.

Now, I am linking the only piece of fair and balanced coverage I've seen on the whole event: http://homepage.mac.com/brianflemming/howard_dean/bush_vs_dean.html

Ben, you'll shit yourself laughing when you see that.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 12:51 PM



Thursday, January 22, 2004 :::
 
Haji was a punk just like any other boy
And he never had no trouble till he started up his Oi band
Safe in the garage or singing in the tub
Till Haji went too far and he plugged in at the pub

'Twas a cold Christmas eve when Trevor and the skins
Popped in for a pint and to nick a back of crisps
Trevor liked the music but not the Unity
He unwound Haji's turban and he knocked him to his knees

If God came down on Christmas Day
I know exactly what He'd say
He'd say "Oi to the punks and Oi to the skins
and Oi to the world and everybody wins!"

Haji was a bloody mess, he ran out through the crowd
he said "we'll meet again we are bloody but not unbowed"
Trevor called his bluff and told him where to meet
Christmas day on the roof down at 20 Oxford street

If God came down on Christmas Day
I know exactly what He'd say
He'd say "Oi to the punks and Oi to the skins
and Oi to the world and everybody wins!"

On the roof with the nun chucks Trevor broke a lot of bones
But Haji had a sword like that guy in Indiana Jones

Police sirens wailing, a bloody dying man
Haji was alone and abandoned by his band
Trevor was there fading and still so full of hate
When the skins left him there and went down the fire escape
Oi! Oi!

But then Haji saw the north star shining more then ever
So he made a tourniquet from his turban saving Trevor
They repelled down the roof with the rest of the turban
and went back to the pub where they bought each other bourbon

If God came down on Christmas Day
I know exactly what He'd say
He'd say "Oi to the punks and Oi to the skins
and Oi to the world and everybody wins!"

If God came down on Christmas Day
I know exactly what He'd say
He'd say "Oi to the punks and Oi to the skins
and Oi to the world and everybody wins!"
Oi! Oi!

::: posted by Comic Tools at 1:33 PM



Tuesday, January 13, 2004 :::
 
After it broke that the administration was planning to invade Iraq practically minutes after the president swore in, his people have been trying desperately to make it seem like that wasn't the case. They might well have done a decent job of damage control, too, if monkey boy hadn't just come out and publicly admitted that he'd been planning an attack in Iraq the whole time after all:


WASHINGTON -- President Bush acknowledged for the first time yesterday that he was mapping preparations to topple Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein as soon as he took office.

Bush's comments came in response to former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill's contention in a new book that the chief executive was gunning for Saddam nine months before the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks and two years before the U.S. invasion of Iraq.

Bush's comments appeared likely to stoke campaign claims by Democratic rivals for the White House that the president was planning to attack Iraq, possibly in retaliation for Saddam's attempted 1993 assassination of his father, former President Bush.

"The stated policy of my administration toward Saddam Hussein was very clear -- like the previous administration, we were for regime change," Bush told a joint news conference in Monterrey, Mexico, with Mexican President Vicente Fox. "And in the initial stages of the administration, as you might remember, we were dealing with (enforcing a no-fly zone over Iraq) and so we were fashioning policy along those lines."

Seriously, why do they ever let him talk unsupervised to the press? Haven't they learned anything?!

Oh, and while I'm at it, he also spewed out this little jewel recently:

"No other president has done more for human rights than I have."

God, I can't fucking wait for his moon speech.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 7:43 PM



Wednesday, January 07, 2004 :::
 
Big fucking baby:

Condoleezza Rice, President Bush's national security adviser, stood in front of Mr. Bush's desk in the Oval Office last summer and tried to coax the president into something he did not want to face.

She suggested, carefully, that the White House begin repairing the rupture with the allies over Iraq by reaching out to Germany, whose chancellor, Gerhard Schröder, had infuriated the president by campaigning for re-election on an antiwar platform. Mr. Bush, simply put, did not trust him.

"I can't do it with Schröder," Mr. Bush told Ms. Rice, according to a senior administration official who witnessed the exchange. Ms. Rice, who had not directly suggested that Mr. Bush meet with Mr. Schröder, rushed to reassure. "No, no, no, we won't make you do it with Schröder," she said. But Mr. Bush seemed to know what Ms. Rice had in mind. "Wait a minute, you'll get me back with Schröder, I know what you're trying to do," the president said, the official recounted.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 12:24 PM


 
Holy fucking shit, NASA picture of fucking mars.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 12:30 AM



Tuesday, January 06, 2004 :::
 
How true. I heard the last half or so of that debate too. You know, I didn't find it all that interesting or informative. And some of them actually say that the issue that will make or break the election against Bush is, for example, trade, or something that the public is equally apathetic about.

I really like Ms. Mosley-Braun. She needs to stop playing the woman card, but otherwise, I think she's probably my favorite. Too bad she doesn't stand a chance.

A spelling bee would be more exciting, though. They should have one.

::: posted by Jeff at 5:19 PM


 
While I'm here, I also wanted to comment about the democratic debate they just had in Iowa. Specifically, I was amazed, I mean really amazed, at just how much Liberman hates Dean. I mean really hates. Like Kerrey repeatedly expressed annoyance with Dean, but kept it civil, and Dean did relent that a bit of that annoyance was justified. And pretty much every question the other candidates directed to another candidate was directed at Dean. (A dumb strategy, they gave him more face time that way.) But Joe took it a step further. At least once, he lost his cool totally, raising his voice at Dean and using words like "disgraceful", "hate", "lies", and so on. Face to face with Dean, Liberman lost it, and after one diatribe, I noticed Joe was visibly shaking and scowling down at the podium. It was some of the most intense feeling I've ever seen at a public political event. If people thing Dean is a loose cannon, in danger of losing his cool, they should take a look at Joe.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 12:58 PM


 
They say a large part of humor is stark, ironic contrast, and so for your amusement I present this column from the new York Post: (this is only en excerpt, complete column here)

"January 5, 2004 -- IT'S fashionable in left- wing circles to describe anyone who admires America as a fascist. But the real totalitarian threats of our time come from the left. And no public figure embodies the left's contempt for basic freedoms more perfectly than Howard Dean.

One secular gospel of the left preaches that the Patriot Act has drastically curtailed American freedom. Free speech, the teacup Trotskys claim, is a thing of the past.

Whenever one of my forlorn leftie pals raises the issue, I ask him or her to cite a single example of how the Patriot Act has limited their personal liberty. They never can. Instead, they rail about what-ifs and slippery slopes.

But Howard Dean and his Deanie-weenies do all they can to restrict the free speech of others. I can predict with certainty that Dean's Internet Gestapo will pounce on this column, twisting the facts and vilifying the writer, just as they do when anyone challenges Howard the Coward.

Free speech, you see, is only for the left.

Dean wants to muzzle his Democratic competitors, too. He believes the Democratic National Committee should shut them up. His followers try to intimidate other presidential aspirants by surrounding the cars delivering them to their rallies and chanting to drown out their speech. Of course, Dean denies any foreknowledge or blame.

These are the techniques employed by Hitler's Brownshirts. Had Goebbels enjoyed access to the internet, he would have used the same swarm tactics as Dean's Flannelshirts."

Deanie-weenies? Flannelshirts? Oh yes, this man is serious. And I have a special treat for Nick, our Russian politics student, from a paragraph further down the column:

"Perhaps it would be easier for those on the left to grasp this column's arguments if we cast the drama with characters closer to their hearts.

Dean began his campaign as an uncompromising Lenin. Now that his Bolsheviks have been organized, he's trying to pose as Gorbachev for the masses. But for anyone who pays attention to what this power-hungry huckster says and does, he comes off as a down-market Brezhnev. "

This column is funny on just about every level possible- it has childish, rhyming insult words, comparisons of people he disagrees with to Hitler and his henchmen, logic which is non-sensical, non-sequitur, and contains no concept of proportion or balance. In his estimation, Dean supporters being rude to other candidates (I might add, by the way, that Liberman's groupies have a slogan: Go back to vermont, Dean hippies!") is exactly the same as Hitler's brown shirt group. In fact, in the column, Peters goes on to flat out say he thinks Dean has dictitorial ambitions. Which, you know, I can see: Dean is a doctor who has a jewish wife and wants to be president, so he's exactly like Hitler, who had the sick murdered, killed millions of jews, and wanted to rule the world with an iron fist. When you think about it, they're exactly alike.

I find it really funny how Peters goes from calling Dean a nazi to calling him a communist, given how opposed those two groups were to one another.

I like how he criticizes Dean's complaint to the democratic national committe about democratic in-fighting, despite the fact that Dean got the idea that same-poarty candidates should be kept from quarreling from Reagan. (Of course that doesn't make it a good idea, and personally, I think that's one of the stupidest, most hypocritical goddamn things Dean has done this campaign.)

But I especially liked the bit about how his "forlorn liberal pals" could only whimper about what-ifs in the patriot act. (First off, his friends need to do more research, because it's gone way, WAY beyond what if in alot of cases.) But lat's say it hadn't: by his logic, he wouldn't mind giving me his credit card, account number, and pin, so long as I promise not to abuse the privlidge.

Secondly, why does this man even have liberal friends?

Man, are right-wing nuts ever funny.




::: posted by Comic Tools at 12:50 PM



Friday, January 02, 2004 :::
 
I was brushing up on my Emporer Norton I hostory today, when I came across this royal decree, first published in the SanFransisco Herald:

"Being desirous of allaying the dissension's of party strife now existing within our realm, we do hereby dissolve and abolish the Democratic and Republican parties, and also do hereby decree the disfranchisement and imprisonment, for not more than ten, nor less than five years, to all persons leading to any violation of this our imperial decree."

Being as this was published August 12th, 1861, any candidate who has run under either party label has been a criminal to our great nation and under direct contradiction of our great emperor's decree, as has any citezen allyimng themselves with either party. Furthermore, no successor has been chosen as emperor to conrtermand this decree, and the decree was publicly made in a major newspaper, so there can be no defense for anyone's defiance. If any of you are currently registered as democrats or republicans, I encourage you to give up your lawless ways, repent, and join me in denouncing the unremorseful criminals that populate our government and citezenry at every level.

I might also note that through the continued activities of both criminal orgaizations, Norton's concerns about conflict and strife resulting between party feuds have been proven valid, which of course is no surprise, wise and great ruler that he was.

I have also learned via the San Fransisco Museum, and a few other historical sites, that Samual Clemens was, as Neil Gaiman depicted in the Sandman, a friend of Joshua Norton. Clemens lived next door to the Emperor, in fact, and saw him almost every day. Clemens was a staunch defender of Norton against his detractors and critics, spitting his witty venom right back at the low serpents who mocked our glorious emperor. When Norton's dog Bummer died, Clemens wrote an epitath for the dog, the contents of which I am unable to locate.

I cannot confirm whether, like in the Sandman story, Norton proclaimed Clemens the Royal storyteller, but it's just as likely as not. Either way, if you feel like reading something, may I suggest reading something by good ol' Sam.

Finally, so that you all may plan properly for the occassion, Joshua Abraham Norton I, Emperor of the United States died on January eighth, only a little ways away.

::: posted by Comic Tools at 3:44 PM

ARCHIVES :::

Ben, Nick, Molly, Matt, Carter, Maria, Christy, Jason, Greg, Eric, and UNCLE JEFF!! We are truly honored to have someone among us who is over 20 and claims to have some sort of responsibility. It won't last long.